Soulcutter - a sword that ensured that nobody won a particular battle, because everyone involved would lose.
Stormbringer - a sentient sword/demon that devoured the souls of those it killed, and was destined to turn against whoever wielded it.
Entropic Scythe - the artifact of a god of entropy. It had the power to cut the fate of anything it struck, unmaking it. The wielder usually would accidently cut themselves on the supernaturally sharp blade at some point.
Such items as that were passed over without consideration. None of them lent themselves at all well to funny results.
Some items were considerably less powerful, but also might be a bit much even for this setting.
The Chain Of Command - those caught within it had to obey the wielder, essentially hitting them with a geas.
The Bow of Love basically shot love arrows. Much chaos to be had by it, but eventually Naruto would lose the thing and there were others who would use it much more efficiently.
Ereshkigal's Dagger had the ability to cause any wound inflicted by it to fester, but it required divine magic to fight the effects and that wasn't available in the setting. Also wasn't funny.
One item though, that one DID have the possibility to be amusing.
Rewind everything so that Naruto found it early in his ninja career. Rewind the item to make it an artifact of that Sage Of The Six Paths. When to put it in Naruto's path was the first question.
Academy? Graduation? Mizuki's betrayal? Team Selection? Wave?
Ah. There. That looked good.
"Foolishness," said a sneering Mizuki. "I'll kill both of you here!"
Naruto got ready to protect Iruka, standing between the two chunin.
[Fool.]
"Who was that?" asked Mizuki, looking around. "Someone else here?"
[Initializing.]
[Scanning]
[Lineage: Uzumaki.]
[Name: Naruto]
[Senju lineage detected]
[Hagoromo Otsutsuki descent: positive]
[New Wielder Selected.]
[Setup Complete]
Naruto yelped as something flashed out of the forest, smacked into an upraised arm, and then flowed into place around it.
Mizuki stared. "That's impossible."
"The Breaker," said Iruka, staring at the bracer that had a chain wrapped around it and dangling in place. "But the 'Sage Of Six Paths' is a myth."
[Incorrect.]
"Well, I'll just have to kill you and cut off your arm and take it," said Mizuki, attacking.
"Multiple Shadow Clone jutsu!" countered Naruto.
"I see," said Hiruzen Sarutobi, third Hokage. "I have run across references to 'Bure-ka' before. An artifact found or created by the Sage Of Six Paths."
[Scan complete.]
[Seven fuuinjutsu seals: 1 Prison, 2 Privacy, 3 Eavesdropping, 1 Physiology Affecting.]
Hiruzen Sarutobi stopped what he was doing, raised an eyebrow, and considered that. "Eavesdropping?"
"Yeah," said Naruto, seeing a chance to show how awesome this thing was. "What's an eave and why is it dropping?"
[Eavesdropping = relaying sounds to a different location.]
"Oh, like listening at the door to make sure Iruka-sensei isn't coming before I rig his drawer with a... let's not go into that," said Naruto.
Iruka face-palmed, knowing full well he covered the subject in class. Then he blinked and uncovered his eyes. "'Physiology Affecting'?"
"Yeah. That too," said Naruto, addressing the bracer. "What's that?"
[Seal placed on scalp affecting short-term memory and attention span. Seal age = seven years.]
There was a spike of Killing Intent so foul that everyone present was mildly surprised at it coming from Iruka Umino.
"You mean to say, that his lack of attention and poor memory are from someone putting a seal on him?" asked Iruka in a very quiet and calm voice.
Everyone present remembered some of the problems Naruto had caused in the classroom, and decided on their own that Iruka might just have a point. And stab someone with that point if he ever found out who had done it.
"First, Naruto," said the Hokage gently. "Have Bure-ka point out the eavesdropping seals. Then we can see about the seal on you. And eventually we will find who is responsible and we will do something appropriate."
"I have the relevant texts, Hokage-sama," said Daikoku Funeno, a chunin who taught at the Academy and was known mainly for his organizational skills. Well, that and if he got any pork products in his diet - that he would be seriously ill for hours thereafter.
"Good," said the Hokage, making sure the windows were cracked just a bit. Best to take no chances when dealing with ninja weapon-grade flatulance.
"'Bure-ka' is a metal bracer wound with a chain. The bracer is about as wide as two-fists, the chain hanging by three inches. Though some descriptions have the chain as longer, or the bracer as being made entirely of chain. The metal is described as iron or of similar coloration. According to legend, the bracer has the ability to detect, analyze, and break any chakra construct it comes into contact with. Some stories differ - stating that as long as the wielder could see the jutsu they could break it."
"I see," said the Hokage. "The bracer could not duplicate the jutsu like a Sharingan could?"
"No sir," said Daikoku. "It can negate just about any jutsu though."
"Including fuuinjutsu?" asked the Hokage.
"Yes," said Daikoku. "Explosive tags were said not to function. Of course, explosive tags have been developed a lot since the earlier crude models."
"Leave the texts, I've things I need to check," said the Hokage.
"So, the Device itself only provides the jutsu, and it is up to Naruto to provide both the chakra and the focus?" asked Jiraiya. "At his current level - he's going to have trouble doing much at all."
"With the seal on his scalp removed, his ability to focus and remember has increased," said the Hokage. "However, he's a long way from being able to undo anything as complicated as the Kyubi's cage. If the Kyubi was out though - he knows enough to disable it. Cripple it."
"What about the device on its own?" asked Jiraiya.
"It can cancel out jutsu that are being used within its range, but that's all or nothing." The Hokage shrugged. "Which means straight taijutsu or kenjutsu can still beat the wielder."
"Which means those are areas he's going to have to heavily train in to be able to defend himself," said Jiraiya. "Or have a team he can count on."
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(Posted Tue, 01 Apr 2014 16:47)
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