Nodoka’s fingers punched tirelessly on her keyboard of her laptop—although she couldn’t help but keep looking over her shoulder at the old ticker-tape machine that was punching out numbers on rolls of paper as well. One would think her efforts combined with the pot of coffee that her man-servant kept refreshing along with the ‘In’ and ‘Out’ boxes on her desk filled with folders and documentation of all sorts would indicate the Heir of the Kamiya Fortune was working diligently on her finances, nothing could be further from the truth.
No, instead the Saotome Matriarch was working on something far nearer and dearer to her heart.
“I don’t get it, Pierre!” the woman yelled as she glared at the overlaps of bar-graphs and pie-tables on her computer screen. “The results don’t match the projected forecasts! Why the FUCK do I have a net-loss in grandbabies!?!?”
The French butler tried to be as delicate as possible—especially as his employer was very fond of over-reacting. “Madame Saotome, perhaps due to the fact your son has yet to have a significant amount of ‘alone time’ with any of his female pursuers?” he offered.
Nodoka slowly nodded. Yes, he would need a manly amount of time to begin opening the Grandbaby Gates. “Suggestions?”
“Move him back home?” Pierre offered. At least the good Sir was more mentally stable than the Madame.
That made the Heir of the Kamiya Fortune snort. “Pierre, he’s a teenage boy,” Nodoka offered. “Their chances of getting a little somethin’-somethin’ goes down when they live with Mama... especially when Mama doesn’t have a job or excuse to get out of the house for any extended length of time!”
The Frenchman winced, having forgotten his own teen years. “Very well, Madame. Perhaps it has to do with the women he is spending his time with? Surveillance suggests that the, and I’m paraphrasing here, “one true fiancée” he’s supposed to marry can be a bit aggressive and tend to lean towards violent habits...” he knew from personal experience how violent women could ruin one’s life. After all, he was working for one.
The man barely suppressed a shudder. He did NOT want to know what Nodoka would be like if she ever got off of her medications...
Nodoka blinked her eyes once, twice... before her features blossomed into a smile. “Oh, Pierre, that is but a laughable theory! Akane is a good girl! She tries so hard to cook and clean and prove her worth as a womanly woman! Obviously a woman that works that hard must be the one that will help reign in my son and give me proper Japanese, Samurai Caste Grandbabies to love and adore for all my dutiful years of solitude and good Japanese housewifery.”
“...It’s not so much solitude when you have a butler around the house to help you...” the Frenchman calmly pointed out.
“So it must be something else,” Nodoka continued, although whether she was ignoring his statement or simply hadn’t heard him was anyone’s guess.
His guess was that such a mixture of both... meaning she heard whatever the hell she wanted! “Perhaps, Madam; but she doesn’t strike me as the type to share, to keep the young Sir from, ‘playing the field’.”
That made the auburn-haired woman pause for a moment. “...Good point,” Nodoka admitted, fingering her letter opener.
Watching the movement of her hand, the Butler knew he had to add some more words to her current debate, or the possible future Miss might meet an unfortunate end.
And Pierre most certainly did not want the Miss’ sister to take her place... at least not until he paid off his debts to her. “It is also possible that the young Sir is stressed, trying to keep the peace between all parties involved.”
Once more Nodoka paused in mid-reach for her cup of coffee. That was certainly true. That Akane was so protective of him was a sign that the young woman realized her son was the finest catch in all of the Island Nation, and of course, it was only natural that she’d try and jealously guard her source of masculine perfection from other women who dare not match the standards as to even be close to half-way decent compared to her almighty manly man child.
After a moment of consideration, the woman just shrugged it off. “Such is to be expected Pierre. My manly son is obviously just so great sometimes that she’s striving to keep him all to herself! In due time, he’ll wear her out and then he can safely see those worthy of being his concubines with no... trouble... at all?” the Saotome Matriarch trailed off, suddenly becoming very curious. “Say, Pierre, do you hear that whistling sound?”
Before the French Butler to responded that it sounded like a bomb being dropped, the house shattered upon violent impact; a sizable portion of the room’s roof caving in almost as soon as such happened. Through the now opened break in the ceiling, sunlight poured through, revealing that it was the Mistress’ son that lay in the rubble, the pigtailed youth scrunched tightly into the fetal position, hands clenched protectively over his genitalia.
“Oo~ooowwww...” Ranma groaned as his body trembled. “Right in the friggin’ balls... damn uncute tomboy...”
The Heir of the Kamiya Fortune stared helplessly at what lay in the wreckage of what had been a portion of her roof—those expensive hand-crafted terracotta shingles now piled in a heap upon the floor of her Study. It was her manly son... hurt... by his fiancée... hurt in the manly bits!
While the woman was used to such ‘outbursts’ from the young Tendo woman... there was no excuse for this! AKANE HAD ATTACKED THE FAMILY JEWELS!!
Deciding to focus on the future of the family—he had already had sprinklers installed should Madame set fire to the floor again in her anger—he helped the young sir up. “I take it there another misunderstanding with the young Miss Tendo, Sir?” he asked Ranma.
Nodding his head, the Saotome Youth began to reply in voice slightly higher than normal, “Yeah... there was... huh? Wait a minute...” Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice, realizing that he didn’t recognize this person at all. “Who’re you?”
“I am your mother’s butler, Sir,” Pierre answered calmly.
“...Since when?” Ranma asked. If Mom was rich, why was Pops insisting they had to still stay at the Dojo?
“Since I foolishly—”
“A~hem,” came the stern cough from the man’s employer.
“...Waited forever and a day before signing on to be her butler nineteen years ago, which was two years before you were born. After all, Genma had just married Madame Saotome, and after a month, she was already sick of picking up after his fat, lazy ass and hired me to do it.”
“Ah,” Ranma nodded, wincing as he tried to push through the pain—although not nearly as much as this poor fool had suffered through. Even Kasumi wouldn’t pick up the Old Man’s boxers. She simply set them aflame and tried to keep them from running up the walls.
“So, my Mom’s staying with you?” the pigtailed martial artist inquired curiously.
The butler shook his head. “No, Sir; this is the main house of the Kamiya Clan. The one destroyed by your...” he paused for a moment to consider a nice way to call them ‘skanks’. “Your paramours was a smaller home used for branch family members when they came to visit.”
At the memories of just what happened that day over the engagement ring his mother had for him to give Akane came rushing back, Ranma winced. “Yeah...” he looked over to his mother, a guilty expression on his features. “Sorry about that, mom... I had no clue everyone was going to follow me to meet—”
“All water under the bridge my manly son,” the woman replied, cutting him off from further apology or comment. She needed to get to the bottom of this, her hand on his other shoulder, helping him over to her now vacated plush swivel chair. “You... you rest your feet and tell mommy exactly what happened.”
Wincing as the woman and the foreign guy with large mustache helped him down into the chair, Ranma inquired, “What do you mean?”
The woman gave her son a very strained smile. “Mommy just wants to know what brought you here today...” that way, she’d know exactly what parties to seek out for divine retribution! This might be the first time she got to use the ‘Blow-Shit-Up’ Option since her college days!
“Oh, that...” the pigtailed martial artist grunted. “Just more of the usual. I wake up; Kodachi is in my futon, naked and only frosting covering her... bits...” he flushed at remembering that. “Apparently it’s her seventeenth birthday today and she wanted me to give her the gift of ‘making her a woman’...” he shuddered.
Nodoka didn’t notice that tremble though, already considering that a fine woman of equally influential—and admittedly, far superior monetarily—Samurai lineage to that of the Tendo Clan’s was just a sign that her manly son was indeed a worthy goal for all worthy Japanese women and that he was more than willing to prove just how much of a manly man he was by taking women to his bed. Instead, she merely replied, “I see... go on...”
“Well... I was throwing the blanket off, trying to make some room...”
The Heir of the Kamiya Fortune nodded her head in approval. Obviously, her son was seeking to give the girl a more comfortable position on her special day before he sowed some wild oats in her fields with his steel-hard plow. “Go on...” she said, coaxing him for more information.
Inhaling deeply, Ranma let out a long, exasperated sigh. “...And that’s when Akane walked in... saw us together... and her mallet aimed lower and hit harder than ever before...” he winced as he looked to the butler. “Speaking of which, would it be okay if you could get me an ice pack?”
Pierre handed the young sir what was requested, fresh from the nearby small refrigerator—the Madam could overdo it on the sake at times and thus needed it for hangovers.
Sighing happily, Ranma placed it over his groin, glad he had something between the two, at least. He’d change, but the last time that happened thanks to Akane trying to ‘insert’ his manhood back into his body via force, he got cramps in his girl form as if Akane had forced him to try something new she was making.
No thank you! He’d rather suffer and wait for his healing factor to repair things than go through that again!
Nodoka looked at the relief flow over her son’s face and asked tentatively, “My son... she didn’t ‘break’ them, did she?” Family Jewels were precious resources... and if one should have ‘cracked’...
“Wuh...? OH! Nuh-no, I don't think so...” Ranma replied with a wince as he shifted in the chair. “But damn it, I hate it when she does that!”
The Saotome Matriarch visibly twitched. While she didn’t like her son cursing, there were more pressing matters to deal with at the moment. “The way you said that... it sounds like she’s done this before...”
“Yeah, she has. Numerous times...” Ranma admitted. Granted, maybe she gotten him in the crotch only once or twice before, but one couldn’t blame the Heir of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts for thinking his mother was referring to how he’d just ridden ‘Mallet-Sama Air-Ways’—a subsidiary of ‘Air Akane’.
Pierre reacted quickly, wanting to stave off any chance of HER—yes, all caps and bold type, even in his mind—being made the Tendo fiancée again. “I believe she was asking about where she struck, Sir.”
“Huh? Oh!” Ranma nodded, relief allowing higher brain functions to resume... as the defrag action was stopped. “Nah, first time...”
Nodoka and Pierre sighed, for obviously different reasons.
Sadly, this is Ranma we’re talking about: even trying to help himself only ends badly. “Well, this month, anyway.”
Both Nodoka and her manservant Pierre twitched violently at that. Nodoka’s jaw was moving up and down wordlessly in terror for a few moments more. It was the Butler who managed to get his wits first—being a Gentleman’s Gentleman, it was only proper to remain stoic and poised—and calmly asked, “This... month?”
Ranma nodded as he squirmed about, wondering if he could get a pillow to sit on to keep his butt raised high enough from the seat cushion so his balls didn’t scrunch down on it. “Well, yeah. When Akane strikes, she just does—doesn’t matter to her where it hits as long as it makes conta~ARCK!?” the pigtailed man garbled as his mother was stretching apart his lips.
“My poor baby!” Nodoka cried out as she looked into his mouth. “Open wide and show mommy your teeth! If she knocked out or chipped any...” she growled threateningly as she studied each and every tooth with skill and scrutiny on par with a Dental Hygienist. Yes, she knew right now his baby seed sacks might be okay... but teeth were also important! How else could he flash an award-winning smile to seduce women at first sight!?
The butler allowed his mind to sink into a deep calm, a calm needed not only to survive working where he worked, but survive living and staying where he worked.
Not that he sympathized with his captor employer, but knew if he didn’t work fast at times, it meant more trouble for him later on.
The young Sir couldn’t come here.
Madame would not let him stay where he was.
To Pierre, the answer was obvious. “Madame, perhaps it is time for the young Sir to perhaps, obtain a domicile of his own to reside?” he asked with a kind—but beleaguered—smile.
Although she kept his lips stretched apart so she could inspect his teeth like one would do a prized thoroughbred race horse being put out to stud, the Saotome Matriarch did turn her head to look at her butler. “What was that, Pierre?”
“I mean, he is a young man but he is close to being a legal adult by global standards...” the Frenchman started. “Perhaps, Madame, it would be best to start preparing him for the rigors of adulthood by giving him some practice now? He could use a place of his own to learn how to care for things on his own, as well as give him a place away from the troubles of Nerima... a place to...” he cringed, as playing on the woman’s desires always left him feeling dirty. “Relax enough so he can perform his ‘manly’ duty of sowing some ‘wild oats’.”
Although he couldn’t speak, Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice as a form of unspoken question. His mom wanted him to be a farmer?
“Hmm,” went the mother in question.
Pierre went for another shot to the bow. “I have uncovered no evidence his father has prepared him for such.” Like he cared if the man was gutted. The Madame was rich enough to get off, and if not, he’d serve her son... until he got his legal documents back and could legally flee Japan.
Ranma nodded as much as his mother’s hands would allow. Rarely did they ever stop at farms on their journey... unless the Old Man was going to rob them.
Or unless Ranma was engaged to one of their daughters. But surely such would have been worth more than a saddle, some whiskey, and a hog... that Ranma had to cook but never got sweet bacon from.
As his mother finally took her heads out of his mouth, the pigtailed youth began to agree. “Yeah, mom, I hate to admit it but the mustache man—”
“Pierre,” the Butler corrected. “Pierre Chez Ethan-Sarandon Maunké.”
Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice. “Yeah, Pierre Cheese-Eating Surrender Money—”
The Butler smacked himself on the face with his right hand. THIS was why he barely told anyone his full name. Damned foreigners could NEVER pronounce it right to save their lives.
“—Has a point. Pops hasn’t exactly been the best in helping me for my future outside of training in the art... not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course!” The Art was VERY important after all, so if that was the only thing his old man took time to teach him, at least Ranma could say he learned the most VALUABLE of all things.
Nodoka breathed heavily as she heard all that her son was confessing to. It was one thing to have a nice body, a virile sack, and an award-winning smile. But if you couldn’t have a place of your own or keep it nice, a manly man would only get one-night stands, NOT permanent concubines!
This was unacceptable!
“Ranma,” the Saotome Matriarch began with a serious tone. “This situation must be rectified. While I cannot say it’s best to leave the Tendo Dojo for good, if you’re to do your duty, you need a place to decompress and get away from all the insanity that IS your numerous fiancées...”
That made the Japanese teenager blink his eyes. Did this mean—oh please, sweet Kami-sama let this be what he thought it was—that his mom was going to let him move back home and away from the mean women who caused him nothing but pain and laundry that smelled like either wet or burnt panda fur?
Then his mother continued with the flourish of a professional speech writer, “It’s time for you to get a Bachelor Pad!”
Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice. “... A what?”
“A Bachelor Pad,” the Frenchman began. “Is slang terminology for housing in which a bachelor or bachelors, (single men) live. The Bachelor Pad is considered one of the ultimate possessions for a young career-minded man. In this space, he is able to decorate his apartment with style to fit his tastes and follows his own rules.”
Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice. “Really? I’d have one all to myself?”
“And any lovely females you wish to bring over,” Nodoka replied as she started to sift through papers that were stacked upon her ‘In’ Box. “AH HA!” She shouted as she pulled out the Newspapers and flipped through it. Finding the Personals, the woman shouted, “Ah! Perfect! Look at ALL these listing!” the woman cooed happily. If there was one good thing about the housing market becoming a complete piece of shit when the bubble burst, it was that there were PLENTY of listings available for lease, rent, or ownership.
“Now my manly son, as soon as your precious Family Jewels are mended, you and I are driving around town to find you...” she grinned widely before pronouncing with excitement. “THE PERFECT PAD!”
Looking up at his energetic mother, the pigtailed man tried to calmly point out, “But... it’s a school day.”
“School-shmool! The only school you’ll need in life is a proper college experience! And even then mommy’s money can get you into wherever she so damn pleases you attend!” That included the listing of All-Girl’s Campuses. While a bit selfish, Nodoka did like to live vicariously through her son—if he got into the ‘Chemistry and Explosives Club’ like she did in her college years, the woman was pretty certain she’d die as her heart just plain burst from a swelling glut of pride.
The Heir of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts blinked his eyes in shock. Wow! Usually his mom was harping on him to get a good education! This must’ve been really important to her if she’d let him skip a day of school—a day which he was pretty sure Kodachi would have free reign to stalk him thanks to her father being the Principal.
Really, the choice was obvious. “Sure, Mom! I’m ready when you are!”
Nodoka smiled with pride. Despite the hurt his ungrateful fiancée had had visited upon his manly bits, he was more than willing to work through the pain and do what it took to life up to the full potential of being a manly man! “PIERRE!” The woman shouted. “TO THE LIMO! WE’RE GOING PAD HUNTING!”
Raising an eyebrow, the Frenchman calmly asked, “Madame, are you sure you don’t want to check the internet for listing?”
The woman scoffed. “Internet-shminternet! We’ve got the Classifieds Section! What more do we need?”
Sighing, the Butler shook his head. He REALLY should’ve slipped her double her usual dosage today. Whenever she was around her son, she really got fired up.
Three Bedrooms, Two Full Bathrooms. 90,000 Yen a Month, Heat Included. Ready immediately.
“Do you need to do a credit check? Do you need some references?” Nodoka asked the middle-aged man.
The man shook his head. “Silly lady! I come from Russian.” He held up a bottle of Vodka towards the youth. “THIS IS YOUR REFERENCE !”
Nodoka stared and blinked her eyes once, twice. “Ranma, prove how manly you are and drink! DRINK!”
“...How about someplace I WON’T die from alcohol poisoning?”
The woman frowned. True, she could understand if her son preferred traditional Japanese sake... but there was nothing WRONG with foreign spirits.
Oh well... better something she let him learn in his college years.
House 40,000 sq feet: Three Full Bedrooms, Two Full Bathrooms, One Half-Bathroom, Full Kitchen, Patio with Hot-Tub. 112,000 Yen a Month
“It’s... it’s a nice house...” Nodoka coughed a bit while her son was fanning at the air with his hand. “But are the current owners smokers?”
The Real Estate Agent shook his head. “Definitely not.”
“Then how do you explain the ash trays? Or the various cigarette burns? Or the fact there’s a very thick haze of smoke in the air...” the Saotome Matriarch continued to argue. “And could you please turn down the heat? I’m starting to swelter!”
“Hey, Mom...” Ranma started slowly. “I think the house is on fire...”
“Once again,” was the voice heard from outside. “There is a fire warning for the area! Evacuate immediately!”
“Um... as you can plainly see, this is a buyer’s market” the agent stated, donning an Oxygen mask.
“...PIERRE! FIRE-EXTINGUISHER!”
Video Website in needs of staff. Offering Full Bedroom, Living Room, Full Kitchen, Full Bathroom. 48,000 Yen a Month plus one scene per week required.
“Is that a video-camera?” Nodoka asked as she looked up at the top right corner of the room.
The very burly man in pink tank-top and denim short-shorts explained, “Well, you noticed how the price was so cheap? It’s subsidized by the work your son will do.”
The woman twitched. “Scenes? You don’t mean...”
Coming into the room, the pigtailed youth was practically jubilant. “Wow, mom! This place is GREAT! No girls live here, they have a great gym, and all these guys say I should be dancing!”
An audible crack could be heard from the Saotome mother’s head as she visibly snapped. “...MOVING ON!”
A lovely mansion. 62,000 sq feet. Six Full Bedrooms. Four Full Bathrooms with Jacuzzi tubs. Kitchen. Laundry Room. Dining Room. Working Chimney. 6’ deep, 1,0000 sq feet pool. 244,000 Yen a Month
“Okay, what gives here...?” Nodoka asked as she looked around. “The price is WAY too good for something like this. It’s absolutely gorgeous!”
“Eh, I think it’s okay...” Ranma added honestly. It had WAY too many bedrooms, but he was pretty sure he could use the extra space for training rooms... hmm. Maybe he could even practice some stealth techniques by shimmying through the chimney.
Walking into the room, Pierre spoke up with, “Madame Saotome... I just got through talking with the young Sir’s possible neighbors. Apparently there’s some unique history to this place.”
Nodoka raised an eyebrow. “History?” she repeated. “...Unique?”
“They affectionately referred to it as the, ‘Murder House’.”
“Hey! I think there’s a skeleton in this chimney!” Ranma called from where he was looking up into the stack.
Geee~eeet ouuu~uuuut!
Snorting, Ranma charged ki into his hand, and slapped the wall, releasing a wailing scream.
Oh yeah; like that! I’ve been a ba~aaaaad house!
“MOVING ON!”
Fully furnished apartments for lease or let. Acquire through management.
Looking at the unnatural yellowing to the formerly white walls, the Saotome Matriarch placed her hands on her hips. “I didn’t realize the Planning and Zoning Commission could declare an entire building as ‘crack den’!” Nodoka growled irritably as she noticed a rat skitter through a hole in the base of one wall, go across the floor, over a man in dirty clothes sleeping in a pile of shredded newspaper, and back into another hole in the opposite wall.
“Madame, please calm yourself,” Pierre started. “The landlord is coming.”
A scuzzy, emaciated Japanese male with sunglasses and wearing beach sandals came down the steps. “Are you the Saotomes?”
“...Depends...” Nodoka said. “Is rent paid with Yen or sharing needles?”
The man shrugged. “Either or.”
“...MOVING ON!!”
Apartment for Let. No rent required. Acquire within.
“Oh, at last!” A woman in blue jumpsuit cried out excitedly amidst the throngs of people dressed in similar blue jumpsuits. “We have the number of attendants we need for the Resurgence of the Great Cthulhu!”
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!” the similarly dressed people with blank expressions chanted after the woman with eyes that never blinked said that name.
Nodoka blinked her eyes once, twice... the woman quite unsure of how to respond to this.
Her smile never faltering, the woman held up a Styrofoam cup in either hand, offering them to both the mother and son. “Would you two like our special fruit punch?”
Finally, Nodoka shook her head as she firmly grasped her son by the wrist. “I’m sorry. I know this is Japan and tentacle sex is part of the culture... but my son is a manly man and his ladies don’t need such. Have a good day.”
“Aww, but mo~ooom...” Ranma could be heard as he was dragged off. “I wanted to try some of that punch!”
“Well, this is a FINE mess...” Nodoka sighed, crossing off another one of the listings in the newspaper with a black sharpie as she sat at a patio table with her son outside of a small café. “You’d think there would be SOMEPLACE for a young manly man to hang his hat at the end of a long, tiring manly day of fighting terrorists, wrestling bears, and drag-racing monster trucks...”
Looking up from the milkshake he had been happily slurping, Ranma politely pointed out, “But I don’t own a hat...”
Raising her right hand to rub her eyes, the woman did her best to stay calm as she replied, “It’s a figure of speech, my son.”
“...Ahhh...” the pigtailed martial artists replied before going back to taking another sip of his milkshake. Finishing it off with one long slurp, the raven-haired youth looked up to his mother with a curious gaze. “So, how many places are left, anyway?”
A grim look came over the woman’s face. “Not many, my manly son. But I believe, this one would be a good a choice as any to go next...” so saying, she turned the newspaper around and offered it to her manly son.
Accepting it from his mother, Ranma quickly looked over the classified, reading it as...
Read the comments on this episode
See other episodes by Red Priest of the 17th Order
(Posted Fri, 06 Apr 2012 21:26)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.