That had been Naruto's wish on discovering that the Slayer, Sasuke Uchiha, was 'only slightly more likely to kill' him at least once a month than before his reading of the scroll that had turned him into the Slayer.
That Sasuke Uchiha was now a girl, as the Slayer was ALWAYS a girl, was the result of the second wish. Which had been that Sasuke not be such a bastard.
Which had a number of possible interpretations. Toltiir had created a wish-device that would take care of all the little "fiddly bits" he didn't want to concern himself with. That device had taken several of those interpretations and used the Slayer Contract to fulfill them.
Strong enough that Sasuke couldn't kill her. As with the wish involving Sasuke, the wish-device (the Deus-X Machine, mk IV) sought to tie all of them together into one package.
Sasuke was now female, a bit more mature physically and mentally, a little more sociable and able to work with others. While still believing herself to be an elite, a proud ninja warrior, and having a vengeance quest in her ledger - she could acknowledge that having others around could at the very least provide a distraction. That she would eventually gain enough strength to kill That Man, but that more than simple strength would be required to find and end him.
Likewise, Naruto was to have his abilities all stem from a single event if at all possible. As part of the second wish, the friendly nature of his chakra was boosted to the point where the more chakra an individual had - the more friendly that individual would tend to be towards Naruto.
Which certainly had the possibility of making things amusing later on.
Time rewound, going sideways for a moment. Then it was done.
Naruto, age five:
The masked figure stood atop the pole, looking down at his prey. An idiot. Talentless. A loudmouth with no skills to back up his bragging.
How did the child of the Red Hot Habanero NOT have great skill as a fuuinjutsu or weapon expert? Kushina Uzumaki had been gifted in fuuinjutsu beyond even what her clan expected. Her chakra chains and her temper were well-known. Likewise, the boy lacked the skills and presence of his father.
Two shinobi who had excelled to the extent that they had - and their progeny wasn't even worth the effort of killing.
Shaking his head briefly at the waste of it, the masked figure vanished in a blur. Even venturing inside the village was a risk at this juncture. Killing the failure would bring more attention, and just wasn't worth it.
The child was so addle-pated he talked to squirrels. Were his parents alive, they would weep at having such a pitiable creature as their progeny.
Sometimes the boy would talk, apparently to thin air. A shame of what had been formidable shinobi parentage.
"Fool! I will devour you and destroy this pathetic village!"
"Uhm. So you don't like the raised platform or the grass?"
"IDIOT! FOOL! I have allowed you the knowledge of reshaping your mindscape-"
"Actually, that was me going through Jiji's library."
"-for the purpose of freeing me for my just rampage! Changing my cage to a grassy nook is beside the point!"
"Well, I thought the sewer kinda stunk."
"Besides the point! And what's with the flowers and little butterflies and shit?! Are you a girl?"
"I thought you were."
"what?"
"I thought you were a girl."
"ARGHHHHHHHHH! I SHALL DEVOUR YOU BY INCHES! I SHALL DESTROY THE VILLAGE DOWN TO THE ATOMIC LEVEL! I SHALL... Catnip? Seriously? You put CATNIP in here?"
"Uhm. Yeah?"
"Fox. Not cat. Not... You're kidding me. Were you expecting me to suddenly reveal my true form was a catgirl or something?"
"No. Just kind of hoping that would be the case. Cause that would be awesome."
"..."
"A foxgirl would be kinda cool though."
"Leave. Leave now. And turn off the lights as you go."
Naruto's presence faded from the sewer.
"Catnip. Catgirls. Yeesh. If he'd gotten the Nibi, maybe. Idiot. Give him five points for trying and minus fifty for application. Sheesh."
Naruto, age nine:
"So he's dyslexic?" asked Iruka.
"Not quite," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "I've requested you here because you've stumbled upon the truth and appear to be open-minded about it all. Not to mention somewhat fond of the boy."
"He's not That," said Iruka, making a reference to the S-Class secret he knew about. "However he's much more clever than he usually lets on."
The Hokage considered Iruka for a moment silently, obviously considering something.
"Likewise in taijutsu," said Iruka Umino. "He's stronger and less clumsy than the image he puts out. I don't understand it myself."
"Naruto has attracted attention in the past," said the Hokage. "After consultation with a few trusted individuals and with backing of two specific clans - the current plan was developed. Naruto acts the fool and deliberately brings his scores low. Once he reaches genin, then he will be assigned a jonin-sensei and begin to show his true abilities. In the meantime, we watch the watchers and try to determine who and how many are the masters of such."
"I'm a sensor-type myself," said Iruka thoughtfully. "There have been a few occasions when..."
"In the future, you will discretely note the time and place of such things, and then forward to me such information," said the Hokage. "Several ANBU will reveal themselves if they are present, if you make this handseal. The ones that can be trusted whom I will inform of this are: Chameleon, Gecko, Owl, Cat, Dog, Bear, and Tiger."
Iruka memorized that hand-sign, figuring ways he could scratch his scar or something and form that without being too obvious.
"I do not need to tell you that this is an ongoing and continuing secret mission," said Hiruzen Sarutobi. "Even your fellow teachers are suspect. Do nothing to betray that you are within my confidence. Be subtle. Kami knows very few of my ninja seem to know that particular word."
After the chunin had left for a few moments, one of the ANBU dropped concealment to look towards the Hokage and cock her head.
"Yes, I know there are no currently assigned 'Gecko' or 'Bear'," admitted the Hokage.
The ANBU nodded once.
"Oh, and yes, I'm quite aware of other ANBU who will be checking up on Umino-san from time to time," admitted the Hokage. "I don't think he's been compromised - but just in case."
"What is it now?"
Naruto posed and stabbed a finger towards the cage. "I know what your problem is now!"
"Would it be the cage? Maybe it's that I'm stuck inside some snot-nosed brat? Your cluelessness? Oooh I know, I know. My problem is that I need a hug. Right?"
"Huh, sarcasm," said Naruto. "Give it a three of five."
"Oh, now THAT hurts. I take it you won't go away until I guess?"
"Nope! You need a hug?" asked Naruto.
"No. Go away."
"Anyway, I asked Mizuki-sensei what I could do to cheer up someone who was all Mister Grumpypants and 'kill kill kill' and stuff," said Naruto cheerfully.
"Odd. I can suddenly see the future. And you're about to say something incredibly stupid in that future."
"You need a girlfriend!" declared Naruto.
"Wow. I was right. I've become precognitive somehow."
Naruto nodded. "So I asked one of the foxes out near the wall to keep an eye out."
"Yes. That's... what?"
"I asked her, and she'll spread the word for any humongous darn foxes that you need a girlfriend. I dunno why she thought that was funny though."
"Waitaminute. You talk to foxes?"
"I even asked some of the local birds, and you KNOW what gossips they are," said Naruto with a stage wink.
"Oh hell. You've got the 'Friend Of Nature' thing going? Seriously?"
"Uhm, yeah, I do kinda make friends easy," admitted Naruto. "Mister Honey Badger was saying that just the other day."
"No wonder. I'll bet the more chakra someone has, the easier it is for you to befriend them. Sympathetic vibrations. Then natural creatures just gravitate towards you because - Hahahaha! That explains so much!"
"So anyway, if any foxeses your size turn up, I'll let you know!" said Naruto before fading away.
"I wonder. Could it be at last? Is he the one?"
There was silence in the cage for a few moments.
"Nah. Couldn't be."
Age Eleven:
A bird chirped at him.
"I don't get it," said Naruto.
The bird, a fire sparrow, chirped at him a bit more.
"So she's hiding over there spying on me, and some other gal's just past her spying on the first girl, and there's a really angry-smelling guy spying on both of them?" asked Naruto. He scratched his head for a moment. "I don't get it."
The bird warbled and shook its head.
"Yeah, you said it," said Naruto. "Wanna play tag?"
In response, the bird took wing, slapping one foot down on Naruto's head as it passed.
"You are SO on!" responded Naruto with a grin.
a month later:
"Uhm, so Sasuke is a girl?" asked Naruto, wondering exactly HOW that could happen.
The honey badger nodded, not that it made much difference to him. Other than the same minor curiosity as to how and why. Other than that, honey badger just don't care.
The nearby dog yipped an inquiry.
"Nah, I don't get it myself," admitted Naruto. "Whatever. You wanna wrestle?"
The dog yipped.
"Ohhh! Good idea. I could use some sneaking practice!"
Ino was a bit concerned. Yes, Sasuke was still cool and aloof and very skilled and charismatic.
However, this whole turned-into-a-girl-by-misfired-space/time-jutsu thing kind of was a turn-off.
Unfortunately, none of the boys in class that remained were really worth her time. Shikamaru? Too lazy. Choji? Nice enough but was constantly eating and kind of sloppy. Tobio? Too nondescript. Shino? Too focussed on icky bugs. Kiba? Too smelly, though he DID come with a puppy. Kensuke? That constant nasal drip he had with all the sniffling and such was a MAJOR turn-off. Harold? Too weird. Naruto?
Which brought her to observing Naruto. Who was talking to wild animals. Who were apparently answering him. That was pretty weird but it COULD be some sort of jutsu. And being able to talk to field mice and badgers and birds would be like having scouts anywhere you went.
The weird part though was that she was getting the feeling that SHE was being watched.
Hinata watched the girl who was watching Naruto and trying to figure out what her problem was.
Not that she was going to say anything. She'd almost gotten her courage up to say something to him TWICE now! Except for the thought of what her father would say. Or Ko, for that matter. Or just about anyone else in her clan. And what if Naruto, or if one of the other girls saw, or if...
Then it had occurred to her that she was, essentially, if you were an outsider and didn't know any better, coming across as a stalker. How mortifying! It was one of those 'put a paper bag over your head in utter shame' moments. Except she had passed out from lack of oxygen after trying that, and lost yet another chance to speak to Naruto.
Now she'd almost gotten her jittery nerves and self-doubts to the side when Sasuke Uchiha had decided to gender-bend and apparently get a bit older. Which wouldn't have been a big deal except now that some of the prettier girls who were allowed to indulge in fashion and such were looking at the remaining guys with a bit more attention.
How to deal with this? Hinata thought for a moment, then realized she had a cousin Neji! Neji always was all so proper and would be sure to do the right thing by clan tradition! So, what would Neji do if he was in HER position.
"Jyuuken! Eight trigrams, twelve palms!"
THUMP!
Yes, that was exactly what Neji would do. Sneak up behind the other spy, hit their pressure points and knock them out, then look completely innocent.
"What the heck?"
Agh! A witness!
"Jyuuken! Eight trigrams, twelve palms!"
Thump!
Oh dear. Now the two of them were down.
"Hinata?"
"EEEP!"
THUMP!
Naruto considered the three unconscious girls and decided this was way too strange.
He ought to get them off the ground though. That'd be too uncomfortable like that.
"MMMMM!" mmmmed Sakura slowly waking from a dream where Sasuke decided to turn back into a guy so that they could be together. Where the sound of breaking glass in the background caused her to wake up faster.
Ino's face, surprised and beginning to show signs of a truly epic blush, filled most of her field of vision.
Slowly, they looked to the side, where Naruto was standing and staring, his hand out as if he was holding something invisible. The two girls, in eerie synchronization, looked a little downwards to see a broken water glass lying at his feet.
That explained, the two looked back into each other's eyes.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Still apparently sychronized, the two launched themselves away from each other.
"Hfff," said their bed, moving slightly.
At which point the two realized that the "bed" they'd been lying on was a giant tiger.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Pfeh," said the bed, ears flattening at this aural assault.
"Sorry Tony," said Naruto as the two girls fled.
"Hfff?" asked Tony, checking the one girl who had NOT fled.
"I think she fainted again," said Naruto.
"Hmff," coughed the tiger.
"Yes, you're right. At least she was quieter. Honestly, you'd think they never saw a giant ninja tiger before. Anyway. Thanks for the assist. You better get back to the forest though. Some people kinda panic when they see you for some reason."
"Hrff," coughed the tiger before grinning at the thought. Nice cub, but his lair was pretty small and it tended to freak out the smelly two-legs in the neighborhood when he visited.
Which was amusing in itself, actually.
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(Posted Sat, 19 Apr 2014 18:33)
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