Carefully entering the house—after first ensuring it wouldn’t collapse on them, and using the hose outside to wash off the mud—both looked about, trying to find the owner.
Well, find her again, after she yelled at them for nearly tracking mud into her new—if slightly damaged—homestead.
“No hablo Inglés, señora.”
“I just heard you speak it! You just ordered a pizza, and told those guys that I have a tiny ass that would never survive childbirth!”
“… I think I know where she is,” Gina muttered. Well, that was what Nabiki got for hiring former mortgage execs to move your stuff…
“… Maybe we should come back later,” Britanny said. As much as she wanted to meet these home-grown werecheetahs, she’d rather visit the place under cover of night with a few necessary tools with which to break into the backyard and drain the pool of her hidden fishery. It took forever and a day to get that secret tuna hatchery together!
Shaking her head, the blonde sighed at her younger/older sister’s—long story—attitude, telling her, “Now, now. They’re our new neighbors, Britanny. It’s best to get formal introductions out of the way and the house-warming gift dropped off to welcome them.” Left unsaid was with such out of the way, they would have no obligation for them to ever have to do anything with Dr. Gedo again once Father’s Day rolled around and Ranma was dropped off in front of daddy with a red bow in his hair and a greeting card in his lap.
Britanny looked them both over. “And what exactly is our welcoming gift?” she asked. Oh, it better not be her. It certainly wasn’t funny when Gina tried to give her away when they were kids, it certainly wouldn’t be any funnier now.
In fact, it might cause an intergalactic incident. And as much as it turned her on to dream about her Muffin vaporizing some world in her name, she certainly didn’t want that world to be Earth!
Maybe that one world, the one where the intergalactic telemarketers were based…
Sighing, Gina held up her purse and opened it. She then pulled out the small device from within, showing off...
“An iPod Nano?” the werecheetah questioned curiously.
Nodding her head, Gina replied, “Of course. Those cute little Japanese Cell phones don’t work on the US cellular network and she’s going to need one if she plans to do business in the States. So her housewarming gift is something practical.”
The female werecheetah gazed over the small black device with a critical eye. “… That’s a Fifth Generation; she won’t even be able to trade that anywhere for store credit.”
“I said the gift is practical, not luxurious,” Gina replied firmly.
“And that doesn’t even connect to the Internet,” Britanny continued. “Maybe an early iPhone would, but that—”
“Listen, I can leave now and pick up a gift, leave you here with the scientist of questionable sanity and choices for the time it takes me, and you can hope that the Britanny I come by to pick up afterwards is you, the original, and with no extra additions.”
Not that she would accuse Dr. Gedo of illegal cloning, but she had over a dozen reports in her files of the male somehow ‘miraculously’ surviving incidents that should have at least left him permanently maimed, if not outright dead.
And Mihoshi … was proof enough. No one could be that lucky, as clumsy and accident prone as she was.
Britanny blinked her eyes once, twice. “… iPod Nano it is!” the woman said firmly as she stayed close to her older/younger—seriously, how did that work anymore?—as she kept an eye out for anything that looked like it could possibly be rigged to stab and/or collect DNA sampled from her perfect feline lycanthrope body.
“And that’s what I thought,” Gina told her sister as the two of them made their way in further, pausing as there was a group of a dozen day laborers cheering on a pair of chickens that were fighting to the death. “And here I heard that Dr. Gedo was into a whole other sort of ‘cock fighting’,” the blonde chuckled.
“Really? It it one that involved KFC?” came a male voice that spoke accented English from behind the two. As this accent wasn’t Spanish but more along an Asian slant, the two turned about to see a male werecheetah with his hair in a pigtail.
The male blinked his eyes once, twice. “Um … you two gonna stare at me all day or are you gonna tell me about this secret chicken thing Nabs has going on?”
Seeing as the two weren’t about to answer him—and slightly drooling—he simply shrugged and headed to the two fighting chickens, being circled by former energy and banking employees.
Not executive level, as they raked in millions from doing such a great job, the companies went under, but the next lowest…
Honestly, Ranma was just watching for the novelty of watching old white men in business suits threaten to cut one another … and oddly good Spanish accents.
Finally—after Ranma broke up two fights between one Reginald and a Frances, the girls began to move again.
“Gina, I’m married, right?”
“Cheetah, hormones, rein them in before I have to give Stryyp the shock collar.”
“But…” Britanny whimpered.
“And you’re a mother,” the blonde added for good measure. She then smirked before telling her sister, “While I, on the other hand, am in a position to hire him as a lab assistant!” she grinned widely as she rubbed her hands together. Oh yes, she always wanted a male assistant in a Speedo, but never could due to possibilities of injury. If she had one that was a werecheetah, she wouldn’t have to worry about lab-coats and proper protective gear for him; he’d come back from anything!
“BUCK~GAWK!” cried out a rooster before its head went flying.
“I CLAIM CHICKEN!” Ranma roared as he pushed two older men aside and dove right on in, om-nomming the freshly killed bird. Oddly enough, now that he was a werecheetah, it tasted better all raw and bloody.
Sadly, a few of the former middle-managers also preferred their chicken very fresh now—it wasn’t sushi, but it did in a pinch—and soon he was fighting off homemade shanks from expensive watches, toothpicks, and cologne bottles that cost more than most semesters at a junior college.
“¡Vivan los Harvards!” came the battle cry from the elderly men.
“MYNE!” Ranma cried. Damn it, he wasn’t losing the leg! That was the bestest piece!
“… Wow…” the blonde drooled as she watched Ranma fight for his right to chicken. “If he has that kind of energy…” she licked her lips.
Smirking, the female werecheetah leaned in and told her sister, “And all you brought her was an iPod Nano…”
*THUMP*!
*THUMP*!
*THUMP*!
*THUMP*!
*THUMP*!
*Thump*!
*Thump*!
*thump*!
*thump*!
*thump*!
*VRROOOM~VROOM*!
*Scree~eeeeeech*!!
Looking towards the open door, Britanny blinked her eyes once, twice. “Wow … didn’t take sis long to abandon me, did it?”
Of course, further thought was put off when she felt something smack her and stick in her top. Looking down, she had just enough time to notice the severed chicken leg, before she was tackled by a dozen sweaty old men and one hungry werecheetah male.
Her last thoughts before she started trying to fend off hands that sadly were spending more time groping for the chicken than her assets, were tears for the expensive outfit that would never see another sunrise.
Amazingly, whatever language, ‘MYNE’ sounds the same.
Dr. Erwin “Pee-Wee” Talon licked his lips as he looked over the reconnaissance photographs that Daishi had taken. He may have been ‘reformed’ but old habits die hard—especially when it came to the woman that got him into the whole ‘evil child genius’ way of life in the first place.
He looked up at the ninja, daring not to hope against hope. “You’re serious? You took these in Atlanta? Here!?”
Arms folded over his chest, the serious shinobi nodded his head in affirmative. “Yes, Lord Talon. I took these not even an hour ago. It would appear that Professor Nabiki Tendo has decided to forsake the land of the rising sun and set-up shop here in not only the United States, but your home-town of all places.”
“… I see,” Talon replied, before setting down the pictures, and smacking himself … hard.
*THUD!
“… Sir?” Daishi asked. Really, if the young Lord wanted to be smacked, he would do so … purely in service to him, and not because he seriously wanted to bitch-slap the youth who never gave holiday pay.
“Just making certain I was neither dreaming nor under some form of mind-alteration,” Talon replied as dignified as one could when they had just Pimp-slapped themselves.
“Ah, as the young Lord will then,” Daishi replied in all seriousness, as was his place as a ninja in service to a dark lord who was only starting to hit puberty. “Shall I continue to take pictures or would Lord Talon prefer to visit the famed ‘Dr. Gedo’ in person?”
Looking up from the very risqué everyday pictures of the famed scientist/geneticist/surgeon/inventor/scourge-of-humanity, Erwin met the gaze of his Minion. “Okay, Daishi... first off, cut out referring to things I should do in the third-person, as if you were reading a novel on my life. Second, yes, I believe we should go meet her in person. After all, it wouldn’t hurt to welcome her to the neighborhood…”
“But m’lord,” the ninja spoke up with a tone of urgency, “she is merely in the same town as you. Her neighborhood is, dare I say, that of the Gold Digger herself!”
“Then it would behoove me to hurry, if for no other reason than to warn her of the dangers of living next to such a bad element.”
Daishi remained silent about the fact that, technically, he was a much worse criminal element than any of the Digger sisters.
“Gather the others,” Talon stated, sitting up from his chair, and definitely not wobbling slightly from his own damage. “I shall join you momentarily, as I need to find an appropriate gift to welcome Ms. Tendo to the neighborhood.” Really, should he go technical and gift her a new laser gun, or biological and gift her a sample of some of his ‘possible upgrades’ for his team…
“Perhaps a fruit basket is in order,” Daishi suggested. “Something simple and from the heart…”
“… I’m NOT wearing the cowboy hat again,” the allegedly reformed-formerly-super-evil youth grumbled. “I had to wear it at my birthday party when mama made me sing the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Theme and I still feel as if my soul is soiled beyond all cleanliness.”
The ninja raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t suggesting you sing to her in the slightest, Lord Talon.”
Truly, the young Lord had no ounce of singing talent—a fact made all the more clear when the rented pony hung itself off its own reigns only a quarter of the way through the song.
“And a simple fruit basket is too plebian for one of Ms. Tendo’s caliber,” Talon replied haughtily. “For her, a truly unique gift that both teases her interest as a woman of undeniable beauty and a scientist of undeniable intelligence, must be the order to woo her cold and calculating heart.” Besides, if it was so simply to win her heart, those old, wealthy Japanese businessmen would have done so already.
No, he needed the right gift, and one he could find before Gold Digger and her crew scared her away.
“Honey, are you downstairs again?” he heard his mother’s voice pierce his inner sanctum. “My senses were telling me that my precious baby has a girlfriend!”
“Mo~OOoooom!” Erwin cried out in an elongated whine. “I don’t have a girlfriend! I’m TRYING to woo a girlfriend!”
“Oh! I know!” His mother chirruped from the door at the top of the staircase that lead into the house. “How about you get her one of those new-fangled iPod Nanos I’ve heard about?”
Looking over to his employer, Daishi raised an eyebrow. “I practice martial arts honed over three-thousand years ago and even I feel such would be a ‘dated’ gift given only as a cheap last resort from someone who didn’t care. You can get them for, what, ten bucks a dozen now?”
Talon nodded, knowing because he knew his other minions were selling them for such … and he got a cut of their profits because they were selling them on his front lawn.
His mother got the profits from the lemonade! Curse her!
“You should wear the cowboy suit!” his mother called out. “The one you wore for your birthday! You looked so cute in it! And I still have the bright red hat, too! I had it cleaned after someone spilled something on it and tried to set it on fire!”
… And curse her for having their will designed that he’d never get control over their money if they had an ‘accident’!
“If Lord Talon has to go in costume to meet his future beloved, does this mean that perhaps a gift themed to the outfit might be best?” the Ninja stated seriously. “Perhaps a lot of beef might be good; you know how rare such is out in Japan with their lack of free-space to take care of cattle.”
Although he was about to yell at his Minion … the boy held his tongue for a moment, considering what he’d been told.
Beef…? It’s what’s for dinner… And he did have that genetically modified beef strain that he was planning to sell to the government…
“Nah!” he waved off. She was Japanese, so she totally wanted a ray gun!
“I got your cowboy boots!” his mother cried, as Talon ducked into his secret lab storage room, sealed the door, and spent a few excruciating moments to not activate the self-destruct…
Damned lawyers!
As the screeching of tires was heard, Gina pulled a perfect bootleggers stop against the curb, hopping out, and popping the trunk to pull out what she hoped was the perfectly wrapped gift to get her some Grade-AAA+ feline beefcake for a lab assistant!
And it better work, too! She had already picked out his lab-thong!
She smiled as she looked at it; yes, she’d picked that up while she was out getting Nabiki a house-warming present too.
Closing the trunk and humming a happy little ditty, Gina was prepared for anything BUT what was out there to greet her. “Uh … sis?” she asked curiously as she looked over the disheveled and nearly-nude form of her sister. “What happened to you?”
Sniffling, the werecheetah whimpered, “I was man-handled … by old men. And even the young stud was only after the chicken…”
“… Okay, that explains why you have a curtain tied around you,” Gina muttered. “And why are you still outside?” she asked. The way her sister looked, she expected her to run back home and change. She may be extremely loyal to Stryyp, but that didn’t mean Britanny didn’t take teasing to a whole new level.
“I’m still waiting for one of them to cough up my house keys!” Britanny whined.
“He got Ricky!” came a cry from inside the house, as a bloody chicken came out, holding a knife in its beak, as well as the injured formerly rich males and one werecheetah male slowly following.
Britanny glared down at the chicken with a knife in its beak and blood in its eyes.
*Punt*!
“Buck~GAWK!?” was the chicken’s cry as it went careening over the house thanks to a well-placed kick from an irritated female werecheetah.
“Dinner!” more than one man cried out as they turned and ran; as Ranma had been trailing behind them, it ended up with the male werecheetah being runover by dozens of feet clad in shoes of rich Corinthian leather.
“… Ow,” cried the pigtailed werecheetah from the indentation of his body that was now thoroughly smushed into the ground.
Gina could only blink in shock.
Britanny grinned in satisfaction.
Ranma slowly brought himself to a sitting position. “You do remember that thing ate your keys?” Ranma asked, trying to ignore the open view Britanny’s extended leg was showing.
Britanny’s grin soon faded, as she dashed off before she would be forced to wait to retrieve her keys. True, Gina could let her in, but she still had key-cards on there, and too many points to lose!
“… I have the sudden idea that I’m missing some context,” Gina muttered, before she looked down at the male to … administer help, to notice the curtain Britanny had been wearing was now covering his head, lost in her charge.
“Context?” Ranma asked as he dusted off his shoulder, having yet to remove the cover. “What’s that? Is it some sort of martial arts manuscript?” After all, he knew about all the texts his old man had him study when he was a kid, but he never heard of a ‘context’ before. Hmm … did this mean if he accepted working for the blonde woman that she’d give him all kinds of martial arts secrets?
“No, Ranma,” came a very familiar and firm female voice that spoke in an exasperated tone. “What Dr. Diggers is referring to when she says context is a ‘frame of reference’ and nothing more. Nothing for you to learn to increase your martial arts skills…”
Said haggard brunette woman removed the curtain from covering him, before she turned to look at the large wrapped package Gina held in her arms. “And that’s for me, right? With a gift receipt in case I don’t like it and can get the cash value back in return?”
Gina twitched a bit, ignoring the feline growls and the sounds of a chicken sticking it to the gang of former middle managers, as she handed Nabiki the package. It galled her that Nabiki was already assuming whatever Gina had purchased would be something to make a trip to return to the local shopping center…
Okay! So it may have been on sale! But that didn’t mean it sucked! And she even checked it for hidden bugs, bombs, and rabid smurfs! “Yes and, honestly, I’m sure you will like it!” she stated.
“… Meh,” Nabiki spoke, handing it to Ranma. “Put it inside, and get back to work, Chia-minion! A base of operations and domicile does simply not assemble itself … yet, but until then, I have you!”
Huffing as he held the package, he turned to look at Gina. “Sorry if Nabs is in a bit of a snit right now... you know how it goes, don’t you? Stealing people’s wishes, never taking them seriously, getting your ass handed to you by magic and all that,” he offered as a token explanation of how he was seeing things; ignoring the glare that the brunette Asian woman was giving him.
For her part, Gina surprised Ranma by merely shrugging her shoulders in acceptance. “This was why when I had a D’jinni, I never made any wishes.” Granted, Britanny had made numerous ones, but without having accepted her as a ‘Mistress’, Dao just laughed in the werecheetah’s face … after taking a moment to calm down, as it turned out, rubbing a D’jinni’s focus was akin to rubbing a certain part of sensitive anatomy.
Ranma nodded. Yep, wa~ay smarter than Nabiki. Then again, he might—and yes, that was might in bold letters—get a replacement wish, according to Mihoshi, after she got off probation…
He just needed a way to hell, a snow blower, a freeze gun, and a simple chart to teach devils how to make snowmen, and that was all his!
Actually, I better figure out my own wish first, he thought, heading inside. Yeah, Nabs will just mess it up again, and next thing I’ll know, I’ll probably be married to her, with Mihoshi, on some weird Earth, hunting perverted animals or something…
In another reality/thread, Ranma sneezed, scaring away a promising Titmouse.
“Damn it, Saotome!” yelled Nabiki, waddling over to him, her unborn passenger not kicking her bladder for the last five minutes. “Don’t you know how rare and expensive a red Titmouse is!?”
The male werecheetah was brought out of his reverie as a pair of female screams tore through the air from the back yard. Package still in hand, Ranma ran as fast as his werecheetah legs would carry him.
… Which turned out to be pretty damn fast as he was at the sight of the screaming women in less than a second. He blinked his eye as he stared at the source: Britanny and Mihoshi pointing at...
“AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Ranma screamed in sheer horror, dropping the package as he stared at the construction site that HAD been his and Mihoshi’s Tuna Hatchery. “WHERE’D ALL THE FISH GO!?!?!?”
“Glad I did that first,” Nabiki muttered with a somewhat sadistic smirk. “I knew I’d never get any work out of them with those fish there.”
Gina just blinked, one part wanting to see the look on her sister’s face, the other interested just in what Nabiki had done. “And what did you do to the remaining fish?”
“Five hundred bucks,” Nabiki asked, putting out her hand out of habit, converting to American money out of need.
Gina paid up without even asking; only noticing what she had done after Nabiki had pocketed the money. “… Hey!”
“I moved them to my own hatchery in a secure location,” Nabiki responded. Actually, she stood to make a pretty penny off her ‘farm-raised, eco-friendly’ fish. With idiots putting so many toxins in the ocean—and kind of forgetting that their food mostly came from there too—she could start to build hippy-support for her fusion project … and righteously charge people out the ass for pampered fish.
Gina stared at the Nabiki for a bit. “Wow. I don’t know whether to call that genius, or pure evil … maybe even purely evil genius…” the blonde muttered. She could only imagine what was going through her sister’s mind at the moment.
The brunette smirked. “Wow, for someone trying to get on my good side so they can have my chia-minion as a lab assistant, you’re doing a swell job of it with that comment.”
“… But doesn’t ‘Gedo’ translate as ‘Evil’? I’m just saying it’s only the sort of genius YOU could come up with,” the eldest of the Diggers sisters replied quickly; that shop she got the speedo accepted no substitutions or refunds!
“… Ni~ice,” Nabiki drawled. “Anyway, we should probably get back there before they kill themselves over their loss … or do something stupid.”
“Stupid?” Gina asked. What could be more stupid than killing yourself over fish … that didn’t earn an automatic Darwin Award?
“May I remind you that also back there is a chicken that not only swallowed a set of keys with store cards on it, but is wielding a knife, has killed, may kill again,”—and she just knew she’d probably have to get the blood out of the carpet—”and a bunch of old middle-managers from mortgage firms who have somehow turned into a gang of Spanish-speaking day workers/gang who just happen to also be trying to eat said dangerous chicken.”
“… Are you sure you didn’t already own property here?” Gina asked. For the chaos that Nabiki was experiencing—granted, this was an early weekday for her life in this neighborhood—Nabiki was taking it well.
“Sadly, this doesn’t even rate a ‘3’ in my life,” Nabiki waved off. Hell, the Cola War in Nerima barely rated a ‘2’, and that resulted in a disaster declaration from the Diet itself!
“… What would make it rate a ‘5’?” Gina quietly inquired, feeling a little nervous, as if she were tempting fate itself. Granted, such curiosity only killed cats—which is what Brit was for—so the sensual scientist felt she was gratified to question at least that much.
A small, almost devious smile spread across the Tendo woman’s lips. “Well, let’s head out back and find out, shall we?”
“Okay, getting there,” Nabiki muttered, looking at the now red-flowing water, the men now worshipping the top of what appeared to be a water-slide that now defied logic, laws of science, gravity, and she was almost certain three city ordinances as well.
The gang of Los Harvards was worshipping a Jacuzzi bar.
Ranma and Britanny were crying and hugging each other, moaning over the tuna that never had a chance.
“WEEEEEEEEEE!” cried Mihoshi, as she entered one tunnel in the slide, and popped out the other side … of the compound, with no connection in-between.
It even had the Super Mario sound of her going into a warp pipe.
“We’ll deduct some points for Mihoshi being involved,” Nabiki muttered, rubbing her forehead. Seriously! Was the girl a dunce, a genius, or just doing this all in an elaborate act to just fuck with her?
Gina just looked on with complete and total awe. Okay, this wasn’t anywhere near the craziness that usually followed her and her family at home … but it certainly was up there with some of the crap they found out in the field.
Finally, the blonde summed up the situation as best she could. “There are no words…”
Nabiki, however, could find something more appropriate. “Hey! HEY! Female Cheetah with the saggy tits! Unless you got a credit card, stop handling the man-candy!”
And like that, tears dried up, sadness forgotten, and if they were around, the entire amount of rings within the Red Lantern Corps would have descended upon one point in Atlanta.
“… What did you call me?” Britanny all but growled, snapping Ranma into the air and oddly enough into the opening for Mihoshi’s n-Dimensional waterslide.
“Did I forget to add ‘deaf’ to the list?” Nabiki asked, buffering her finger nails against her coat.
Gina slowly backed away, looking for suitable shelter in preparation for the blood to fly.
“You … you … insensitive skank!” Britanny snapped. “Do you know what I’m going through? Do you have any idea the effort I put into raising those suckers in the first place? The days-worth of hours I put in to make sure everything was properly set up and perfectly stabilized!? All the time spent at sea, fishing for the most perfect and succulent of tuna, and then the months spent using some of Gina’s equipment to purge them of the mercury so that they could then have eggs free of said crap? I raised the most perfect tuna!!”
Still buffing her nails against her coat, the Asian woman couldn’t have cared less. “Right, and it was a wonderful house-warming gift, thank you very much deaf female werecheetah with the saggy tits,” Nabiki said firmly. “It’s going to go a longer way than the five-hundred dollars and whatever cheesy gift your sister gave me. Thank you very much.”
Even though she ‘thanked’ the female werecheetah, her tone of voice sure as hell was that of a snide and cocky bitch.
“… I’m going to hurt you now, and I don’t know when I’ll stop.”
“Oh, I did forget something!” Nabiki said, eyes wide, slamming her fist into her palm.
“Apologies won’t save you now,” Britanny growled, slowly advancing.
“Cheese!” Nabiki stated, snapping a photo. “I always love taking pictures of bare wildlife in their native habitat.”
It took two steps before Britanny got what Nabiki was saying.
She was still naked.
*FLASH!*
… And about to become the newest downloaded sensation on the Internet.
“CHEETAH SECRET MOVE: GOOD FOR THE GOOSE!!” The woman roared as she performed an upward strike with her claws...
… Okay, they were brittle, but they were MORE than enough to tear through Nabiki’s lab coat, lingerie, and the palm was angled to flip the camera up into the air. With it landing back in the werecheetah’s hand, she turned it about…
*FLASH*!
… And took photos of the now equally naked scientist.
Everyone just gawked as the two naked women entered what was the most intense of Mexican Standoffs … even the Los Harvards had to admit, they could learn a thing or two.
Nabiki paused, looked down, looked back up, and smirked. “Did you ever learn my ‘other’ nickname in Japan?” Nabiki asked with a disarming smile.
“Nope!” Britanny smirked, twirling the camera around by the strap.
“I was also called, ‘Ms. Payback’, because I am the very definition of a bitch,” Nabiki drawled.
“Ranma! Mihoshi!” she yelled out, before thrusting her finger out at the MILF werecheetah. “SHE took all the tuna!”
“WHAT!?” came a yelled, as a half-drowned werecheetah female and another on an tube poked their heads up from the splash-down pool.
“… Have fun,” Nabiki waved, as she walked by the stunned nude werecheetah, taking back her camera, deleting the last few photos of her, and heading to the cabana for a new outfit.
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(Posted Tue, 27 Nov 2012 03:43)
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