Shidori sighed as she sat on a couch in her boss’ office, finding herself with the job of ‘entertaining guests’. While she was used to the occasional Head of State like General Mifune or the Daimyo from Na no Kuni arriving to give Jiraiya and Basu their praise as well as offer business proposals, this was entirely different. Tsunade Senju, the granddaughter of Hashirama Senju, knew her boss back in a time when he was apparently a far different person. Her boss’ former teammate knew him when they part of the legendary ‘Sannin’, one of the most effective fighting forces during the Second Shinobi World War... and boy did she have a lot to say!
Listening to the woman rant—as she dug into the bento Shidori had gotten for herself—the woman had trouble believing the blonde’s words. She went on and on about how Jiraiya had been such a hot-blooded and overall perverted person when he was younger, but that was completely different from the man she knew as her boss. He was intelligent, shrewd, imaginative, and above all, a wonderful storyteller. It may have been a collaboration between two men, but it was Jiraiya who did the lion’s share of the writing while Basu was the man who gave the characters and world a physical presence in his art. Pretty pictures may have drawn people in, but Shidori knew it was the story that kept them engrossed and involved.
That was why she had trouble coping with what this woman was complaining about... but worse, she got the distinct feeling that while a lot of what the older woman griped about may have been exaggerated, there was possibly more than just a grain of truth to it. The retired Medic-Nin also went on and on about how Jiraiya had also been known to show off, even during a fight and how it typically included traditional kabuki poses accompanied by dramatic self-introductions, keeping with a lone hermit theme, as a child. Those were things the secretary had witnessed firsthand; particularly trying to introduce the salary-woman to how it was her destiny to become Basu’s muse and become Tomoe Tiger. The details the blonde would recount of how he’d dance about and wax prose poetically was more than enough to prove that the last Senju had to go through that as well.
That was why, despite the woman’s self-preservation instincts, she politely responded, “Excuse me, Senju-sama, but before you continue to damn my employer for past transgressions against you, there is something to take into account. Even if he was a bit more...” she paused, considering how to politely put it. “Well, rambunctious in his youth, maybe he’s just matured with time?”
Lifting a beef gyoza with a pair of chopsticks, the blonde woman snorted irritably, “Yeah, right...” she harrumphed. “He was the one who tell me, ‘Now hime, you can’t stay young forever but you can remain immature indefinitely: like me! So come on and take that top off already.’!” she then stuffed the dumpling into her mouth, chewing rather angrily.
Clasping her hands together in front of her, the brunette looked up at Tsunade with a gaze of annoyance. “Would you mind not talking like that in front of children? We are a family friendly company, you know...”
Raising a hand, the woman waved her chopsticks at the secretary in a warding fashion. Swallowing her food, the blonde ex-medic replied, “No need to fret. Shizune’s heard far worse.”
Twitching, Shidori pointed over to her niece who was sharing her own bento with the boorish blonde’s apprentice. “I was referring to my niece...” she growled. Honestly? What had she done to deserve this? She worked on honest living, had business and management degrees, experience with a few trading firms, and even allowed herself to be a character model. Having to put up with Tsunade was really starting to border on going beyond her terms of employment. “Yep,” the secretary thought in annoyance. “Next time I see either Jiraiya-san or Teruka-san, I’m demanding a raise.”
Stirring some soy sauce and wasabi, the heiress of the Senju legacy merely shook her head. “You shouldn’t be so worried. If she hangs out around here with you, then she is bound to hear worse from that pervert’s lips...” she then moved her chopsticks to the opposite side of the bento, pulling up some rice and dipping it in the sauce mixture before popping it into her mouth with practiced ease once more.
Despite the danger of mouthing off to a ninja, the secretary decided that she would go further to defend the man who signed her paychecks... mostly because the woman seemed bound and determined to make it personal. “He really isn’t as bad as you make him out to be; you yourself should know that people change... I mean, you’re certainly a lot different from the horror stories he told.” She smirked as the blonde began choking on the rice that she’d stuffed in her mouth.
Almost immediately, Shizune rocketed forth from the couch she was sharing with the younger girl; making her way behind Jiraiya’s desk and smacking the woman on the back. “Tsunade-sama! Careful! You know you shouldn’t eat so fast!” she chirruped as the woman continued to cough and hack, trying to work the grains of fiber and carbohydrates up her esophagus.
Smiling in victory as she got the woman’s attention in such a way, Shidori could continue while she was unable to retort. “Well it’s true. I mentioned earlier about your notorious gambling and drinking habits...” she smirked. “Jiraiya would even talk about how during the shared childhood you two had, how you would be greatly spoiled and dotted upon by your grandfather Hashirama, so much that he couldn’t help but wonder if the village would be all right if you ever became Hokage.”
Before the woman could get up and start strangling her, Shidori held up a hand, motioning the older woman to stop. “However,” she continued in a firm voice. “We both know that is NOT how you stayed. Jiraiya-san also mentioned how disciplined you became as you got older and entered the shinobi corps, and how you greatly contributed to Konoha’s victory in the Second Shinobi World War...” she frowned. “However, that’s not what I’m seeing. I’m looking at someone cynical and rather bossy, upset with the world around them... and is that how you want to be viewed?” she queried. “You are proving you’re FAR from the spoiled youth that Jiraiya would talk about but I’m not sure it’s an improvement.”
Finally over her coughing fit, Tsunade stood up from the Toad Sage’s chair. Her hands came down firmly on Jiraiya’s desk; palms firmly putting cracks in the marble top. “What did you say!?”
“Am I wrong?” Shidori dared to snap back. “You keep going on and on about how much of a pervert Jiraiya is but that is NOTHING like the man I work for now. People change, Senju-san. People change all the time: with age, with pain, with joy, with the world around them. So I’ll say this: so WHAT if he was a bit of a pervert as a kid? He grew out of it, obviously became a wonderful ninja, and is doing more to promote peace in the world than any single reason for going to war ever has!” she stood up from the couch. “Plus, it doesn’t help when your first impression is storming in, demanding vengeance for Tomoe Tiger—which I have already explained to you is NOT what you think it is—and on top of that you stole my lunch! Oh yes, you are also proving that people change... but in your case, you’re proving it’s not necessarily for the better!” After a moment, she then added, “And expect to be billed for damages you incurred to Jiraiya-san’s desk.”
Twitching irritably, the blonde just continued to stare at the woman before her that she could snap like a twig. “You’re quite mouthy for someone who has no combat training whatsoever...”
“Well, I do have a job to perform,” the secretary replied in all seriousness. “Plus, I can’t help but wonder why you’re still hanging around. As I had explained, you’re not Tomoe Tiger so there is nothing perverted being directed to you at all. So what reason do you have to stick around and make yourself at home? This is a place of business not a residence!”
Tsunade frowned a bit, realizing she didn’t really have a reason to stick around anymore. Obviously the idiot hadn’t done anything against her in particular. There was nothing to be gained by terrorizing someone she considered a lecher. “...I have my reasons...” she finally replied, attempting to take on the air of a wise sensei; a trick she learned from Hiiruzen back when he had been her Genin Team’s Jounin Instructor.
Shidori stared at the woman for a few seconds before blurting out, “Is that reason to make yourself feel better from trying to physically or at least verbally tear someone down?”
“I—”
“Probably,” the woman’s apprentice chirruped.
Suddenly rounding about on the girl who was the last living relative of the only man she ever truly loved, the blonde startlingly shouted, “SHIZUNE!?”
Looking up at her sensei with those dark chocolate eyes of hers, the young girl replied, “You tore up my copy of ‘A Tiger’s Tale’. You may be scary and a harsh taskmaster but that had been the MEANEST thing you’d ever done to me. EVER!”
“...FINE! I’ll pay for another copy,” she grumbled irritably before stiffening—an idea striking her like lightning. She then slowly looked over to the secretary. “Of course, to really make it up to her, I should probably stay and make sure her copy gets signed. I don’t think Jiraiya and the artist, what’s-his-name, would mind doing that for a fan.” She smiled to herself as those dark eyes of Shizune’s became sparkly. “Would they?”
Glaring at the now smirking blonde, Shidori just curtly replied, “Basu Teruka.”
Tsunade blinked her eyes once, twice. “Pardon?”
“Basu Teruka,” Shidori repeated. “Our artist and co-creator of Abukunai is named Basu Teruka, not ‘what’s-his-name’.”
It was then the young civilian girl piped up, “Hey, auntie?”
Sighing, the woman replied, “Yes, Moko?”
“Can I stay and get Jiraiya and Basu to sign my copy too? That and my copy of volume five, “Ninja Mouse: Ronin Rhapsody”?” The young girl requested, reaching over to her backpack and pulling out the familiar orange-covered book. “It’s my favorite and I’d love for them to sign it!”
Shizune turned to the other girl. “That’s your favorite? I think volume seven, “Ninja Mouse: All That Glitters” was far superior! It was probably the BEST story to include Uncle Richduck story ever!”
Nodding her head, Moko agreed, “Yeah, but you have to remember, volume five was the best Tomoe Tiger story up until they came out with ‘A Tiger’s Tale’. She really kicked those Cats Pajamas Ninjas to the curb!”
“They got kicked to the curb in volume seven too!” the young medic-nin countered. “Their greed got the best of ‘em and their ship full of gold SANK!”
“Yeah, but that was their own doing,” the civilian child snorted. “At least in volume five, they got a proper beat-down at the hands of Tomoe. They don’t learn anything unless someone is pounding the lesson into their skulls.”
The young brunette shook her head. “Nuh-uh! The Cats Pajamas defeat being their own fault gets the point across better as they have no one to blame but themselves.”
Tsunade twitched, noticing that her apprentice had been eyeing her as she said that.
“Poundings do it better.”
“The sinking worked.”
“Pounding!”
“Sinking!”
“Pounding!”
“Sinking!”
“POUNDING!”
“SINKING!”
Blinking her eyes once, twice, the heir of the Senju couldn’t help but mutter, “I feel like this conversation should be happening over a computer screen rather than real life...” although maybe that was the booze from last night’s binge talking. She was still carrying on with the after-effects of a hangover.
“...I don’t know why but for some reason I can agree with that sentiment,” Shidori mumbled, raising a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. At least it made sense for kids to be acting like children; she’d gladly take this over how Tsunade had been acting to say the least.
Still, the secretary couldn’t help but hope Jiraiya returned. She could only imagine what kind of emergency could happen in Konohagakure that they needed him to return...
The Toad Sage, one of Konoha’s Elite and famed member of the Sannin came rushing into the Hokage’s office. He’d gotten word that it was an emergency situation, so he treated it like such...
“DYNAMIC ENTRY!!” Jiraiya roared out as he crashed through a closed window, glass shards tinkling about the room as he came skidding across the floor before coming to a stop.
Eyes shimmering with awe, a young and impressionable Anko Mitarashi could only go, “Ooooooh...” she didn’t know where her life was going after current events, but she just knew when she got older, she was going to do THAT!
Lowering his head, Minato could only groan. “Damn it, sensei... how many times have I told you? WE HAVE A DOOR!!” Honestly, it was getting aggravating having to go down to Accounting and requesting the funds for a new window every other month.
Huffing, the older man crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, sorry Minato-chan! Your messenger hawk's message said this was an emergency: I merely responded accordingly!”
“And yet, somehow,” Minato continued. “You felt it quickest to leap through my window—closed, mind you—to enter my office and provide additional openings for possible spies to gather any possible classified intelligence.”
“...Is this one of those meetings?” Jiraiya asked.
“That is beside the point,” the Yondaime growled. “What would you have done had I been in a highly classified and important meeting?”
“...Signed a few autographs and made some promises for walk-on parts in my next movie?” Jiraiya offered.
“...Your movies are animated...” Minato bluntly replied.
Shrugging, the white-tressed nin replied, “Okay, so cameo voices; there’s so many cute and cuddly animal ninja that show up in the backgrounds that will never serve any purpose in the grand-scheme of things. I can just have them voiced once and forget ‘em...” shifting gears, the Sannin gave his student his full attention. “Anyway, why did you need me?”
“It’s simple, really,” came a voice from the side of the room. The elderly man smiled as he saw his last loyal student turn to him with his own grin. “Just like when you were a child, more than one problem revolving around you is happening at once, and it needs to be addressed.”
That took Jiraiya back a bit. “Wuh? But I haven’t really been in the village! How could I be causing you people problems?”
“Simple,” a certain redhead called out from another chair; the woman looking a little plump as she dug into an extra-large bowl of salt ramen with pickled cucumbers smeared in peanut butter and red bean paste floating on top the broth. “It’s your books!”
“...Is that why it’s only a few adults in here and... one child?” he queried. He recognized his sensei, his student, his student’s wife, and Ibiki Morino... but who was the kid beside old scar-face?
Nodding his head, the blond male replied, “Yes. As for the child... remember a few months back when we were talking about making a decompression treatment that would be disguised as D-Rank Mission so our Shinobi wouldn’t bitch about being taken off active duty?” With a wave of his hand, he motioned to the child looking up at Jiraiya with awe. “Meet our guinea pig.”
Blinking, Jiraiya leaned over, looking at the girl with a scrutinizing gaze. “You look familiar...”
“She was Orochimaru’s apprentice and only surviving Genin,” Ibiki stated firmly.
“Nah, that’s not it,” Jiraiya muttered, rubbing his chin. Why was she so familiar?
Rolling his eyes, the Yondaime sighed. “She’s the one he offered a bounty to blow you up with a book filled with explosive notes,” Minato muttered.
Understanding immediately flashed across the Toad Sage’s features. “Ah, yes,” Jiraiya nodded. “Now I remember... good disguise kid, but your timing was way off. Not to worry though, I heard the Uchiha love their new lake.”
“Sensei,” Minato mumbled, palming his face. “Follow one train of thought here, please.”
“I try,” Jiraiya shrugged helplessly. “But we had so many decompression plans.”
“The one not adult-oriented,” Kushina growled before popping a piece of pickle into her mouth; chewing vigorously.
“...Yep, only one of those plans,” Jiraiya conceded, thankful he wouldn’t have to drag some underage explosive nut to a red-light district for ‘decompression’. Sitting down in one of the few free chairs left, the white-tressed nin looked down at the child. “So, you want her to come to my studios to act as a bodyguard for a month or two...” he considered that for a moment, scrutinizing the child. “I don’t know... even knowing she was Orochimaru’s apprentice, she doesn’t have that intimidating an appearance to pull off being a bodyguard...”
“Hey!” the young kunoichi snapped. “I’ll have you know I am a Tokubetsu Jounin! And I’m the only holder of the Snake Contract outside of my bastard former sensei!” She then surprised the Sannin as she gave him a wide grin. “And when I get older, I am going to become the most dangerous Interrogator EVER!!”
Turning to look over at Ibiki, he was surprised when the tall and muscular man clad in black leather and trench-coat shrugged. “She is surprisingly ingenious with her torture methods. She put the song, ‘It’s a Nin World’ on loop and pumped it into the room with a spy from Iwa we captured in the city. He was spilling his guts in fifteen minutes.”
That made the Toad Sage raise an eyebrow. “Oh? So Basu’s song drove him nuts?”
“No, it mean it physically made him spill his guts. Vomited all over the floor and then begged for us to kill him...” Ibiki smirked. “I made Anko clean up the mess.”
Smiling wide, the disturbed child held up her hands. “IT WAS LIKE FINGER PAINTIN’!” she cheered all too genuinely for comfort.
“...Uh huh...” Jiraiya nodded, before turning back to his student. “Might be too late for this one.”
The Hokage snorted at his sensei’s comment. “Consider it an extreme, case,” Minato waved off. “At the least, try and get her relaxed enough where she doesn’t try breaking jaws before we can ask them any questions.”
Closing his eyes for a moment, Jiraiya considered whether or not the kid would be able to relax, what with his two former teammates apparently out to gut him for what they felt was a bad portrayal of themselves in his work... despite the fact he hadn’t based any of the characters be made on those two...
“Sure! Why not?” he suddenly chirped. After all, it wasn’t his insurance that would go up once all was said and done. Besides, he didn’t need to be the best nin, just the fastest of the group to escape the ensuing maelstrom.
Releasing a breath he had been holding, Minato smiled in relief. “That’s the spirit!” The blond told his sensei, bowing his head in gratitude to the white-tressed man. He then turned his attention to the young child. “Okay, Anko. You better get packed. You’ll be leaving with Jiraiya as soon as possible so you better get packed for at least a month...”
Turning to look at the Hokage, the Toad Sage told the Yondaime, “We’ll be in a city. I doubt she’ll need to pack for a month... we can always just get her whatever she needs in town.”
Raising an eyebrow, Minato queried, “And will this town sell shuriken, kunai, ninja wire, poisons, or at least offer decent funeral services for the deceased?”
“...Yeah, better have her pack for two months...” the Sannin replied, nodding his head firmly. He turned to look at Anko. “So get packed, kiddo! I’ll go pick you up once I’m done with all this boring adult business!”
Her pale brown eyes shining brightly, the purple-tressed child grinned widely. “Man, I can’t wait to tell Yuuhi-chan and Iruka-kun about this... bitches are gonna flip!” she cackled deviously as the head of Konoha’s T&I corralled her out of the Hokage’s office.
Once the door closed behind her, the white-tressed man took a deep breathe. “Now, you said there were a few problems surrounding me. What else is there?”
Minato looked a bit ill, but he felt it was his duty to tell his sensei this. “Sarutobi-san brought this to my attention the other day. It was what made me decide that this meeting needed to happen.” He reached over to his right and pulled open a drawer. Removing a Scroll, he placed it on his desk-top and made a series of seals with his right hand. Immediately, the scroll rolled open and with a poof of charka, a small pile of books with covers in various shades of orange were laying atop the desk.
Jiraiya just looked at the considerable mess of books... and chuckled. “Oh, Minato... relax! My boys in public relations and legal already know about the knock-off copies. They’re instituting a new material that will be difficult for forgers to copy so that when someone buys a book, they’ll KNOW it’s a real copy of me and Basu’s work.”
Sighing, the eldest man in the room removed his pipe from his lips. “Jiraiya, it’s worse than that. Go ahead and take a look.”
Smirking in amusement, Jiraiya grabbed the first book and opened it.
Then he blinked.
This was followed by turning a page.
Blinking once more, he put the book down and grabbed a second one.
This process was repeated several times.
“As someone who was a super pervert in his youth, I feel that in my professional opinion... there are some sick bastards out there!”
“Agreed,” Minato offered, pointedly ignoring that Kushina had finished her meal and had grabbed one of the pieces of—no, literature was being too generous.
Shaking his head, the Toad Sage snorted in absolute disgust. “No. I read Sarutobi’s report on what he found in Orochimaru’s lab,” Jiraiya continued. “Compared to this, that was almost civil medical experimentation.”
“Oh!” chirped a jubilant Kushina. “Yaoi!”
A vein visibly twitched on the Sannin’s forehead. “Okay, everyone who makes this dies!” Jiraiya growled.
Ignoring the flaming aura of righteous wrath that was blazing around the Toad Sage, Kushina continued to turn the pages as she skimmed through the book in her mitts. “Hmm... Jiraiya, would Abukunai be this big? And would Otenmaru really be the ‘uke’? I kind of envisioned it being the other way around... although Abukunai DOES look cute in a skirt...”
“Death. To. All. Who. Make. This...” he snarled as he flipped through one of the orange books on his own, huffing in annoyance as he skimmed through it.
Minato blinked his eyes once, twice. “...Sensei? What are you doing?” the blond nin couldn’t comprehend why the man was looking through the H-Doujinshi that he obviously had clear hatred for.
“...Must counteract the yaoi. I’m holding yuri of Tomoe and Ranko...” he sighed as he looked back and forth through the book from cover to cover. “And by Ninja-God! What cheap material! How could someone be as sick as to come up with this!? We don’t even have this much horror down in Torture and Interrogation!”
Although they had mentioned how Basu’s music was now an effective torture routine at T&I, Minato wisely decided to keep his mouth shut on reminding his sensei of that.
After a few more moments, the Toad Sage blinked his eyes before sighing, throwing it over his shoulder. “The proportions are all off, even if we made them more humanoid! The dialogue is not even second-rate! Coloring is all wrong! The premise is weak!” he growled irritably. “To call this crap porn is to insult porn! This is stuff Academy students tell their friends to try and appear knowledgeable!”
Shaking his head, Jiraiya roared, “No! This is even worse! Green genin wouldn’t even buy this... this... THIS ATTEMPT!”
“...Okay... now I’m confused,” Minato stated honestly. “Are you upset they made hentai doujinshi of your work... or upset that the h-doujinshi is so poorly done?”
“BOTH!” Jiraiya yelled at the top of his lungs. “Not only did they parody my art, but they didn’t even put any effort into it!”
“...I kinda like it...” Kushina mumbled, only to have the book snatched from her hand by an irritable Toad Sage. “HEY!!” she cried out in annoyance. “I was reading that!” the redheaded woman complained as he tossed it back onto the pile of books.
Glaring down hatefully at the pieces of parchment and scribbled that DARED to pass themselves off as books on the Hokage’s desk, the angered Sannin brought his hand to his face, two fingers before his lips, setting the doujinshi aflame...
...Along with Minato’s coat.
“GAH! Hot! HOT! HAAAWWTT!!” the Yondaime cried out as he pushed himself from his flaming desk and ran about the room, living up to his title of the Fire Shadow.
Wincing, Jiraiya looked around the office quickly. Running to the side of the room and grabbing a potted plant, he held the ceramic pot firmly and threw it at his former student. The decorative flowery bush and all kinds of soil splattered all over the front of the man, putting out the flames and leaving him a filthy mess.
As Minato glared at him, Jiraiya could only note, “At least I was faster at it than the ANBU.” Said elite guards were currently out in the open, using suiton jutsus to put out the Hokage’s desk, leaving a mess of smoking and smoldering soaked black paper pulp.
The touching moment was somewhat ruined—as well as two of the ANBU’s drawers—when a wave of killing intent hit the room.
Realizing what it was—and not wanting Konoha to be remembered as the village taken out by a pregnant Jinchuuriki who had yaoi stolen from her—BECAUSE YOU JUST KNEW THAT WOULD GET OUT—the Yondaime quickly acted to placate his hormonally imbalanced wife. “And finally, we wanted to discuss a debate we were having for the name of Kushina’s child.”
Like a light switch, the killing intent instantly vanished, to be replaced by a kind visage. “Oh yes,” Kushina gushed happily. “We had several ideas. And while we wanted to wait a bit longer before telling you, now does seem like the best time to get your input on the matter.”
“...Really?” the Sannin chirruped as he looked over the surprisingly calm Red Hot Habenero of the Leaf. “And what ideas are those?”
Smiling, Kushina was cooed in an oh-so-cute manner, “Jiraiya-san, please tell my silly husband that ‘Tomoe’ is a MUCH better name than ‘Naruto’...”
That caught Jiraiya off-guard, The bulky man blinked his eyes once, twice, thrice. “...Wuh?”
Sighing, Minato stepped forward. “We both want to name our son—”
“Or daughter!” the woman interrupted her husband.
“...Yes...” the blond leader of Konoha replied. “We both want to name our child after one of your characters. For years, I knew I wanted to name a child of mine after Naruto, the main character from your very first book, “The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi”. My wife on the other hand...” he looked over to the redhead.
“I want to name him or her after Tomoe Tiger!” she squealed in delight, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
“...Well... that works for either gender. But Minato, what if the child IS a girl?” Jiraiya asked nervously, trying to buy time and think of an escape.
He knew what Kushina wanted.
He knew what Minato wanted.
He also knew what he wanted: to stay alive, intact, and fully functional for several more decades. As such, he didn’t want to go against his student, who as Hokage, could make things very difficult for him. Jiraiya certainly didn’t want to become the first Sannin to be given the Tora mission. Hell, the village had already had to put a genjutsu on the Daimyo’s wife to make her accept a replacement cat whenever a Tora... didn’t make it.
He was certain the one Tsunade had punted was still circling the planet’s orbit.
However, the Toad Sage also didn’t want to piss of the woman who he had seen rip apart an Uchiha who had cut in line in front of her for coffee and ordered the last sesame bagel.
“I should have stayed at the office and did this remotely,” he thought sadly, as another set of names were rattled off.
“The door is fine,” Tsunade waved off.
“Half of it is dust, the other half is embedded in the dry wall behind me,” Shidori countered. “And there’s still the damage you did to the desk to consider...”
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