"There what go?" asked Naruto.
"Kunoichi replacement protocol," said the cloud. "It's easy to shift a little event in the past, and someone else becomes the 'top kunoichi' of your class at that time."
"What kind of 'little event'?" asked Sasuke.
"A test score where Sakura Haruno was watching you and not thinking about the test would do. Or doodles in the answer. Or perhaps someone just a little more skilled in the right areas. Or this cold morning when Sakura Haruno was racing Ino to get their 'Sasuke seat' and both slipped on an icy patch in the road and missed a day."
"They slipped on an icy patch in the road? In Konoha?" asked Kakashi as that was NOT something he could remember happening. Even the coldest mornings tended to be a bit warm for significant ice build-up.
"It's Konohagakure. It is not Sunagakure. It could happen, all it really would require is the right push on a rising air thermal hundreds of miles away from where the event will take place. Simple."
"Why do I have a feeling that it wasn't actually that simple?" noted Kakashi.
"Because what I actually did was manipulate an event in the distant past so that someone who died in the aftermath of Uzushiogakure survived. Such that their path crossed that of Kushina Uzumaki years later."
"'Uzumaki'?" asked Naruto. "Who's she?"
"Kushina Uzumaki. The so-called 'Red Hot Habanero of Konohagakure' - a taijutsu and ninjutsu specialist noted for her temper and fiery red hair," said the cloud, apparently ignoring the panic and 'hush' gesture from Kakashi Hatake. Until Kakashi relaxed some at the pause. THEN it was time to drop that shoe. Timing was important. "Your mother, Naruto."
"WHAT?! I HAVE A MOTHER?!"
Kakashi drooped a bit.
"What?" asked Sasuke, his voice sounding as if he had a bucket full of sarcasm he was ready to pour on. "Did you think you were found in a cabbage patch or something?"
"Oh dear. Do I need to explain the biological processes involved?"
"NO! That's okay!" declared Naruto, not sure what was coming in that kind of lecture - but pretty sure it would be gross and probably inaccurate.
"Well, here goes," began the cloud, blinking its' golden eye and forming images below it. "It begins like this. You may have noticed that most species have a male and female-"
Two minutes in, Naruto was twitching. Sasuke was trying not to look and blushing fiercely. Kakashi was shaking his head.
"Which is where the initial genetic sorting and development takes place. As you can see the mitochondria here-"
At five minutes, Naruto was several shades paler. Sasuke was staring. Kakashi was twitching.
"-genetic damage to the male or female contributor to the process can be from a number of causes. Diet, heat - particularly to the male's reproductive organ, radiation, disease, even various medications - can all increase the production of damaged genetic data. This can be reduced by-"
At the ten minute mark, Naruto was staring openly and blushing. Sasuke was twitching. Kakashi was taking notes.
"Which is a method of reducing discomfort and increasing the pleasure level of female humans in this circumstance. Another is the use of certain jutsu, such as-"
At fifteen minutes, Naruto was vowing to NEVER ask questions like that EVER again. Sasuke had passed out with a nosebleed. Kakashi was trying to find a blank scroll before he forgot any details.
"And that's how that works. Do you understand now, Naruto?"
"No more!" declared Naruto. "No more! What is seen cannot be unseen!"
Sasuke slowly got up, still with a trail of blood from his nose. "It's finally over?"
"Good. Then we can move on to the important stuff."
"-it was ox-horse-horse-tiger-dragon?" asked Kakashi apparently of himself as he tried to write details down.
"Ahem. In any case, you - Naruto Uzumaki have a clan retainer."
"A what?" asked Naruto.
"A clan or individual who is sworn to help or serve your own clan," supplied Sasuke, frowning at Naruto. "You have a clan?"
"Didn't know that," said Naruto.
"Uzumaki clan. One of the premier clans of the now-destroyed Uzushiogakure. Known for the bloodline of the Uzumaki clan: relatively enormous chakra, great stamina, fuuinjutsu talent, and unrivaled sexual prowess."
"Whoa," said Naruto.
"Also red hair. Usually brilliant red hair."
"Too bad you didn't get any of that, dobe," said Sasuke with a smirk.
"So I'm the last of my clan," said Naruto, not noticing how Sasuke's head jerked around to stare at Naruto with that revelation.
"You are the last of your direct lineage. There are others with traces of Uzumaki bloodline, but none more than you."
"So who's this retainer?" asked Kakashi.
"Working the probability lines. Here's what I've got showing up as primary right now."
"Old man?" asked Naruto, glancing to the side.
A girl about his age with really long hair stood to the side and glanced at him. Something intense about that gaze. Not the look that most of the village gave him, this one saw him and seemed to be looking for something before she returned her attention to the Hokage.
"Ah, Naruto," said the Hokage. "Something unusual has happened."
"You decided to step down and hand off that hat to me?" asked Naruto.
"No." The Hokage glanced at the girl.
"You have neither the training nor proper mindset for the position," said the girl. "You have enormous chakra reserves but shoddy control."
"Eh?" asked Naruto. "Who's this anyway?"
"She has come here seeking the last Uzumaki," said the Hokage, seemingly amused by something. "That's you."
"This is the last Uzumaki?" asked the girl, looking over Naruto again. "No red hair?"
"No," said the Hokage.
"Well, I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" declared Naruto. "So what do you say to that?!"
The girl looked to the Hokage, who nodded, and then did something unexpected. She knelt before Naruto. "I am here to serve, my lord."
"WHAT?!" asked Naruto.
The girl raised her head to observe him again. "You say your goal is to be the Hokage. I shall assist you in reaching that goal."
"What, is she a samurai or something?" asked Naruto.
"What was that blurring effect?" asked Sasuke.
"Probabilities. Right now it's almost even between three possibilities for the individual in question. The retcon is using echoes of individuals. Akatsuki, whose specialty is Silent Killing and who repeatedly kicks Sasuke in the head."
"What?" asked Sasuke (twitching a little) and Naruto (grinning at the idea).
"There's also the more diplomatic Sacchi, a naginata user with some medic skills."
"That could be useful," admitted Naruto. "Does she beat on Sasuke too?"
"No. Moving along is this third variant," said the cloud. "First was very competent, second was slightly more competent than your original kunoichi, third is a bit more odd."
"When a talking cloud tells you that something is 'odd' - that concerns me," noted Kakashi.
"She's a goudere. Sora Nagihara."
"What's a 'goudere'?" asked Naruto.
"Ah. Something about 'deredere' and compound words. A demonstration might be useful. Yandere."
Poof!
Sakura Haruno appeared and promptly stabbed Naruto. "Sorry Naruto. You're stealing screen time from Sasuke! Sasuke! I killed Naruto for you!"
Naruto looked up from where he was on his knees, trying to stop the blood from gushing out. "What?"
"Oh, I better make sure," said Sakura, turning back to Naruto and raising the blade.
Poof!
Naruto checked and the hole in his chest wasn't there anymore. "Eh?!"
"This is kuudere!"
A blue-haired girl appeared where Sakura had been a moment ago.
"I am not sure how to respond," stated the girl quietly. "But perhaps, it is possible that I like you."
"No stabby?" asked Naruto.
"I do not understand," said the blue-haired girl, mostly emotionless but with something approaching concern in her eyes.
"Yandere. Sweet but murderous. Kuudere. Unemotional outside, sweet inside."
"I do not understand 'sweet'," said the blue-haired girl, cocking her head. "But that somehow sounds... nice."
Poof!
The blue-haired girl was replaced by a dark-haired girl.
"Honestly! You are SO hopeless! Naruto, you better appreciate that someone like me even bothers with someone like you," said the dark-haired girl. "I just take pity on you."
"Tsundere. Harsh towards those she has feelings for, keeping her softer side hidden."
"I AM NOT TSUNDERE!" declared the girl.
Poof!
"Uhm, so 'goudere' is - without summoning anyone?" asked Naruto.
"She'd be trying to fix you up with a harem no matter how much you protest."
"Let's not go there," said Naruto firmly.
"What if I set her up to go after Sasuke? He's got that whole 'replenish the clan thing' after all."
"Have to deal with a large number of fangirls on a daily basis? Do I look insane?" asked Sasuke.
"Uhmmm."
"No. As Naruto said, let's very much NOT go there," said Sasuke.
"Fine, fine. Spoilsport. Could have set you up with a dozen girls, each one more quirky and insane than the last one."
"Yes, I know. That's why I politely decline the whole thing," said Sasuke. "Vengeance first. Restart clan later. Priorities."
"You do realize that if you had a bunch of little Uchiha kids, that would draw your brother to you to stop you, right?"
"Yes, I... oh. Hmmm."
"Fine. Well, maybe you'll get together with Haku or another potential kunoichi."
"Who?" asked Naruto.
Not that he was going to bring up this point in front of some cloud that seemed to casually bend reality around it.
"So what do you think?" asked Naruto.
"What do you mean 'what do I think'?" asked Kakashi.
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(Posted Sat, 16 Nov 2013 08:41)
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