“That’s too stupid. A reality where Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo are replaced by GlaDOS and HK-47?”
“I suppose you have a better idea?”
“Children, children, children. Please try not to squabble.”
“Keep flipping. Something good has got to be on.”
“How about Pay-Per-Scry? We could watch something on demand.”
“They raised their rates. Again! Can you believe they want 69 souls for one measly life of a dictator? Do you know what their hero rates are, now? I’d rather wait for syndication.”
Indecisive, the gods continued to search for a reality that caught all of their interests.
In the beginning, there was only rock: rock and water, clay and rain, and nothing else. Then, magic rained down in fiery comets, landscaping the world. This brought life which developed chlorophyll. So there was rock, water, clay, rain, fire, magic, life, and plants. Then the planet gave birth, and from rocks, water, air, fire, wood, life, and magic came the first One, quickly followed by Siblings. Gods in power over the very planet, their mother. Dragons, they numbered eight and divided the world among them, keeping to themselves.
Green, small, spry, slender, and built for speed with small wings and a finned tail, the dragon that lived in trees was lonely, so it made Elves from the very wood of the forest and breathed life into them.
Grey, stubby, barrel chested, built for burrowing with powerful leg muscles and vestigial wings, the dragon that lived in the mountains was lonely, so it made Dwarves from the very bedrock of the valley and breathed life into them.
Brown, snake-like, with large wings built for endurance and distance, the dragon that lived in the grasslands was lonely, so it made Gnomes from the very clay of the hilltop and breathed life into them.
Blue, eel-like, built for underwater with flippers and water-wings, the dragon under the sea was lonely, so it made Merfolk from the very water of the ocean and breathed life into them.
Red, voracious, built for sneak attacks with frilly wings, the dragon that lived in volcanoes was lonely, so it made Ifreet from the very fire and air of the planet, and breathed magic into them.
Black, monstrous, with a bad temper and long claws, built for combat with powerful wings and a prehensile tail tipped with spikes, the dragon in the swamps was lonely, so it made Goblins from the very peat and mud of the bog, and breathed death into them.
White, patient, favoring traps, built for the arctic cold and nights with long, skinny wings, the dragon that lived at the North Pole was lonely, so it made Yeti from the very ice and starlight of the frozen tundra and breathed hunger into them.
Yellow, crafty, built for hunting with maneuverable wings and a whippy tail, the dragon that lived in deserts was lonely, so it made Serpentfolk from the very sands and blood of the wasteland and breathed poison into them.
War was inevitable, but none gained an upper hand as each were favored by their patron. Then the war changed, a new player entered the field.
None of the dragons made humans, nor did the planet give them birth. Yet, life snaked in odd ways and humans came unheralded. And spread they did, like a disease. And so the dragons decided to leave the world and bring their children with them. They constructed a boat of fire and wood, rock and water, clay and air, magic and life, and blood and tears and filled it with all things good in their eyes. And in Eden, a paradise of dragon making, they left the world to humans, taking much by way of magic and life. But still, some form of spirit and energy remained, and the humans remembered in tales that once there were dragons and elves and even magic too.
And the planet missed it’s children, who had flown the nest. So it gave birth again to a being of ten tails, imbued with the chakra that flowed like blood in the planet. And the planet knew, deep in its heart, that its errant children would come home again. For it was always connected to Eden, through the point where Eden had been before space and time and reality was made to fold and warp in new ways. There, where the planet’s wound still seeps chakra, a connection had always laid. A place still yet to be found by humans, untrodden upon and untouched by any living being since. For it was a rock ledge under the sea, and a heathered hillside in a box canyon, and silver cloud high above the plains, and a pool of magma under a volcano, and a cold, dead desert in the frozen north. It was all of these and none of these. But, most of all, it was a small island that spent most of it time under the tides far from shipping lanes. An island that a young ninja will find his boat, storm-damaged and adrift, washing ashore on. A ninja with a piece of that ten-tailed progeny in the form of half of a nine-tailed fragment locked away inside. And there, where a planet’s raw wound still bled a Jinchuriki will make a startling discovery as he finds himself, instead, in Eden. Waking the slumbering dragons and sleeping myths, Naruto returns home with many new friends.
“Hi, my name is Sookie and I’m in love with a vampire.”
“Hi, Sookie,” the group chorused.
“I don’t know what attracted me, against the good judgment of my friends, to Bill ... or Eric ... Or Wardlow ... but damn, vampire-sex is hot and kinky.”
Buffy nodded her head in agreement.
“Welcome, Sookie,” the therapist greeted. “I am happy you could join us. That’s Bella, that’s Buffy, Anita, Isabelle, Oskar, and Elena. Please sit and we’ll begin. I’m Dr. Harker, but you may call me Mina.”
Col. Jack O’Neill felt outside of his comfort zone being at that party, but when the President of the nation invites you to a party in your honor, you just can not refuse. ‘A party to privately celebrate those who can never be publicly acclaimed for their services. Great in idea, lousy in execution.’ With a sigh of sufferance, Jack slipped away, looking to get away for a bit. ‘Maybe the balcony?’
Jack managed to make his way towards the French doors, dodging two senators, a five star army general, and an NID plant along the way. Exiting the party, he breathed a sigh of relief as his hands came to rest on the balcony’s railing.
“You too, huh?” a California accented voice said from his side.
Jack, startled, jumped and whirled around. Glaring at the feminine giggle that erupted from the shadows. As his eyed adjusted, he could make out a petite blonde who carried herself with a battle-weary and life-hardened weight that Jack felt shouldn’t be on one so young. She was short; Jack was reminded of Janet.
“You alright?” the girl asked as she approached.
“Yeah, just peachy. Hi I’m J-” Jack winced. His face was full of distaste as he remembered to use the alias the white house provided him. “Jerry Hoollihan.”
The girl sighed. “Yeah, they said I’m to call myself Eliza Dogooder.”
Jack mocked wincing. “Ouch, You win the worst fake name award. And I thought mine would have won. I mean, someone obviously thinks I’m a hooligan.”
Eliza smiled. “That just means you’re doing it right.”
Jack felt eased by her quip. “You know, that’s what I keep telling everyone. But do they listen?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o,” the girl interrupted. “I get that all the time. My much wise teachings fall on deaf ears. Just ‘cause I don’t have a Ph.Dillio or diplomatica in cryptic phrases and geek talk.”
Jack nodded. “Might be because you use words like ‘much wise’ and ‘diplomatica’. Me, I just quote Homer at them.”
“The greek?”
“Simpson.”
Eliza’s face broke into the first genuine smiled she felt that night. “You know, I know people who would have a heart attack to know there were two of us.”
Jack smirked. “Almost makes you hate to disappoint them.”
“Yeah.” Eliza pushed a strand of errant hair behind her ears. “So ... what crime got you this heinous punishment of attending ... well ... the less I say, the less they can use against me in a court of law.”
“You know, everyone here saved the world or something like that.”
“Oh,” Eliza perked up. “Save the world, did you? How many times?”
“Too many,” Jack answered with a weight of sorrow in his voice.
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
Jack smiled. “Technically, I’m not allowed.”
Eliza waved her finely manicured hand. “Yeah, yeah. Classified this and classified that. Don’t go panicking the peanut gallery.”
“You?”
“More times than it should have been at risk.”
Jack turned to look out at the stars. “They’re pretty tonight.”
The girl came to his side to look out as well. “I sometimes wonder if there’s other worlds out there and the people are looking up and watching our star in the night sky wondering if there’s anyone here.”
Jack grunted.
“What do you wonder about when you’re feeling philosophical?”
Jack glanced over, studying the girl’s profile. “I sometimes wonder how it would be nice if there really was a god, a nice one, who wouldn’t let there be so much suffering in the world.”
“There are gods. They just ... think of us as ants or pawns. Not really the shepherding type so much as the ... hmmm.” Eliza trailed off.
“Cattle rancher and slave driver type?” Jack volunteered,
“Yeah, Jerry. I like that. Cattle ranchers.”
Jack made a face. “Hate every single one of them snakes.” Eliza shot him a quizzical look but didn’t say anything. “How do you know of them? NID?” Suspicion colored the look he shot the girl.
“What? Anidee? Let’s just say that fate has never bothered to ask me what I wanted.”
“I know that feeling. Much too well.”
“Look, it was good meeting you, Jerry. But I better head back in before the President sends out a search and rescue party. You know, important people to hob nob with while attempting to not fall asleep on my feet.”
Jack snorted. “Boring, stuffy type. God I wish-”
“Eh eh eh eh,” Eliza warned as she shook her finger in his face. “Didn’t your mother every tell you that the worst thing in life is getting what you wished for?”
Jack smirked. “I guess no tempting Lady Fate then, tonight.”
Eliza shook her head. “Nope,” she popped her ‘P’, “save that for when you’re on the clock.”
“Feels like I’m always on the clock.”
Eliza’s face fell into sympathy. “Well, right now, you’re off the clock. No Armageddons or apocalypses during the President’s party. I’m sure he’ll find a way to blame us if there is one.”
Jack smiled. “Look ... Can I give you my number – no, not for that. I meant, if Fate ever throws you for a loop and you need a sympathetic ear – or my personal favorite: massive firepower, you could call. I only got my team, and sometimes you just can’t-”
Eliza held up her hand. “No, I get it. Same thing here. And the same thing for you. I’ll give you my number. Call if you have an emergency, even if the emergency is no one else wants to listen to your wisdom ‘cause you ain’t got a Ph.Dillio or a bunch of really fancy letters in your name.”
“But I am a SPCA-ESP-WA-JD-OW-PMS and I got me a piece of paper from Springfield Asylum that diplomatics me as a BS.D.”
Eliza smirked. “Majored in bullshittin’ I see.”
“How to smell it, how to shovel it. My thesis was on politicians sticking their noses in where it don’t belong.”
“I may want to read that some day. Might have a couple case studies for you.”
“Eggs-cellent,” Jack said in his best Mr. Burns impression as he rubbed his hands together. And with a handshake and two cards passing hands, Eliza rejoined the party as Jack wondered how much longer he could stay out before someone would come fetch him.
General O’Neill sat behind his desk deep in thought. He was pondering calling his counterpart in the other half of the secret Homeworld Security. He and Buffy had kept in frequent contact since that night at the White House. Not that anyone else knew, and they both found it amusing when the politician types would dance around certain subjects each were not suppose to be aware of. ‘What idiot thought it would be smart to have it so that each branch of Homeworld Security was unaware of the others. I take care of threats from up above, Buffy gots those from below, and we both wonder if there’s at least another branch for what falls in between.’
Jack remember the one time he went to Sunnydale, when he had found out Buffy had died and wanted to pay his respect at her grave. He also remembered the call from her when she stopped being dead. Thankfully, Daniel got him well used to the revolving door on heaven. He also remembered calling when he heard Sunnydale sank into a sinkhole. He just wanted to make sure she wasn’t stuck under a pile of rocks. The latest calls from her detailed how her organization was moving her more and more out of the field and behind a desk. He too was feeling the pressures of command.
Jack leaned in and hit the third speed dial on his phone – the second was the president and the first was Daniel. “Sunnydale Blood Bank. All new accounts get a free toaster. Come check out our compounded interest rates as well as our competitive rates on loans. Sunnydale Blood Bank, where your blood is our business. All active service members get two free withdrawals a month. Inquire about our Christmas Club for the Military and our apocalypse insurance.”
“Cute Summers, real cute. Look, I’m calling because I think I might take a little break and was wondering if ya wanted to come with?”
“It isn’t more fishing, is it?”
Jack chuckled. “Well, it is. But I can promise that the fishing hole I’m thinking of is truly out of this world.”
“Jack,” Buffy’s voice became deadly serious, “you know the red tape that involves. You know I really want to visit another planet with you, but it’s not in the cards.”
“What? I figured your people probably has invisibility all worked out. We could sneak you right in, maybe pack you in my suitcase.”
“Har har, real funny, Jack. I would feel better clearing it with the President first. And you know how twitchy he gets when he has to talk about demons or aliens.”
Jack sighed. “I don’t like this President as much. The last one was much cooler headed about these things. How about I just ask him if I can bring my niece along to a safe, quiet planet for a little R and R.”
“Oh God I want to see his expression when he finds out the name of your ‘niece’ is Buffy Summers.”
Jack chuckled. “So I ought to ask in person and bring a camera?”
“Yes, please. So, just some R and R? This isn’t a trick to get me to help you knock off some alien head honcho?” Jack and Buffy had a long standing agreement not to involve the other in their messes, as each already had a full plate, unless as a last act of desperation. Didn’t keep them from helping out in other ways. Jack slipping Buffy a few military textbooks and Buffy mailing him some enchanted fighting knives.
“No trick. Plus, I don’t think the alien head honchos are quite ready for someone like you.”
“Just fishing?” Buffy didn’t sound convinced.
“And some hunting.”
“You know I’m not an outdoorsy type. More of the mallrat type.”
“Well, the native population does have an open air bazaar. I hear they are quite well known for their textiles and fashion skills.”
“Sold! When we’re leaving?”
“As soon as you can get to Washington to help me tag team the President. I want to see how many different shades he turns when we walk into his office together, laughing, acting like life long buds.”
“I’ll bring the video camera.”
Rick and Darryl were scouting when they noticed two girls in the distance, the brunette wore black and red, the blonde wore yellow and black. The girls were journeying carefree. Before Rick could raise an alarm, walkers surrounded the pair of girls.
“Come on, they’ll need us,” Rick told Darryl. Darryl nodded and pulled his crossbow free.
However, the girls broke into frenzied action. The one in red pulled a large gun, that also doubled as a scythe, out from her cape while the other sounded like a shotgun every time she punched a zombie in the head. In less than half a minute, the walkers were dead.
“Are you nuts?” Rick yelled at them as he caught up. “Making noise like that, you’ll bring all the nearby walkers down onto us.”
The girls shrugged.
“Come on, let’s get you someplace safe. Where you headed?”
“Anywhere,” the blonde replied.
The other, up close the guys could see her hair shaded to a dark red, smiled brightly. “Hi, I’m Ruby and this is my sister Yang.”
Darryl looked at the two in confusion. “If you’re sisters, then why does she got a Chinese name?”
The sea-going vessel beached upon the shores of the Elemental Nations. The crew of seven disembarked; one shot a giant fireball at the schooner, catching the wooden ship ablaze.
“We won’t need that, now that we are finally home.”
“Come, let us make haste back to Uzu. We must report to the Uzukage in due haste.”
It was heavy and angry hearts that the seven found their village razed and ruined.
“What happened here?”
“Let us go to Konohagakure. I hope they have not been lost to us, either. We’ll find answers there, for sure. Surely, if any survivors made it out, we will find Uzumaki in Konoha.”
“Hokage!” alarmed a stressed out chunin rushing into the office. “There’s a group of ninja calling themselves the Uzumaki Seven at the gates. They are demanding entry.”
Sarutobi looked up from his paperwork, intrigued. “Uzumaki Seven? But they haven’t been heard from in years. Not since they left to explore the sea.” Getting up from his desk, the Hokage sunshinned.
Quickly, the leader of Konoha arrived at the front gates. “Taki? Is that you? Where have you been all this time?”
“Hiruzen! I would have thought you would be retired by now. Tell me, what has happened to Uzushiogakure? It looks like we lost a war, but I see Konoha is as proud as ever. How could this have come to pass?”
As usual as of late, things were not going in Ranma’s favor. Grumbling, he cursed his luck, his fate, and the Almighty. “Things would be so much better if I was god,” he muttered.
It wasn’t really a surprise that a challenge letter was waiting for him when he got home, it was the seventh one that week, and it was only Thursday. It requested to meet him that night, in some office downtown. Oddly, it was signed, Kami-Sama.
“Another, full of himself joker,” Ranma groused.
Nabiki smirked. “You would know the type, Ranma-baby.” Ranma couldn’t be sure, but he thought he was being insulted.
Which is how Ranma found himself, after dinner, in some waiting room watching a janitor change the light bulbs. To Ranma’s surprise, the janitor – having finish working on the light – introduced himself as Kami-Sama. “Why don’t we step into my office.”
“But you’re the handyman?”
“I’m also the boss. It’s good to take care of your own messes.” Kami-Sama stripped out of his janitorial one-piece, revealing he was wearing a suit underneath.
Ranma eyed the man, he was short and frail and did not move like a martial artist. “And you want to fight me? Are you crazy? Why did you want to challenge me?”
“Actually, you been challenging me. Saying I wasn’t doing my job right. I merely decided to take you up on that challenge.”
“What are you talking about?” Ranma was confused. He didn’t think the guy seemed like an Almighty Creator of all that is. “When did I challenge you? Why would I want to do office work?”
The other guy merely pulled a remote from his pocket and aimed it at a TV on the wall. Suddenly, Ranma could see himself, his thoughts sounding like a voice over. It was just after Ryouga and Tatewaki had double teamed him, trying to get the lottery ticket in his hand. Then, with a button press, the video fast-forwarded through all of Ranma’s day to another incident the morning after when Akane had made breakfast for him and P-Chan.
“You been spying on me? How did anyone get so close I didn’t notice?”
Kami-Sama shook his head. “No one got close. I don’t need cameras or microphones. I know all. Now, you think you can do better. So I am proposing a wager. I’ll let you have all of my powers over the small corner of the world that is your life for one week. If, by the end of that week, everyone is happier, better, and things improve, then I will concede defeat and hire you on as an adviser.”
Ranma grinned. In his arrogance, he never considered he might lose or what he would have to give up if he did. “Deal!”
The goddess loomed, larger than life. “And so, you have been granted one wish.”
“One wish?”
“Yes, anything you want.”
“Well, ... I was trying to get take-out. Can I get a beef bowl, some tempura, and rice?” And with a flash, Keiichi was served dinner.
Harry was three when he learned his first lesson about money. Vernon had just giving Dudley a shiny shilling. Harry looked up at the older man with expectant eyes. “Want one for yourself, do you? You would only squander it away. Until you learn about the value of money, there will be none for you.” And with a noise that sounded like ‘harumph,’ Vernon threw himself into his easy chair to read the evening news.
When Harry was five, he came upon Vernon reading the funnies in the paper to Dudley, perched happily in his lap. “Can’t you see I’m busy here? Here take this and go away.” Vernon had handed the little boy the financial section of the paper and sent him away. Any time after that when Harry seemed bored or looked like he wanted to flip through the paper, Vernon would send him off with the most boring and dry Business and Finance Weekly.
And when Vernon came home and wanted to relax by the telly before dinner, he would change the channel straight to the business news and nap.
Harry did learn a lot from Vernon, though it would be a far cry to say Vernon taught him something. Rather, Harry merely overheard Vernon trying to teach his son things like interest or saving up. And Vernon often ranted about money and finances, sometimes while reading the paper or watching the telly, other times at the dinner table after a stressful day at work. Harry had learned much.
Which was why he was disappointed, upon his first visit to Gringotts, to see all of his worldly worth stored in a vault. Literally buried under the ground, like the kooks who keep their life savings in an old can under a rock in their rose garden. “Why isn’t any of this put to use? What kind of returns am I getting by having my account wasting away in a hole in the ground?” Griphook sneered, angry that bank practices were being questioned. “Surely, Gringotts has investment opportunities to put my money towards that would make both of us quite a bit of gold?” Griphook’s sneer faltered momentarily, the mention of gold causing warm, fuzzy feelings to fill his gut. “Real Estate is always a popular choice, then there’s funding new ventures, not to mention growing markets in foreign lands. Why, to think that my money has only been earning the usual savings account’s interest ...” Griphook’s devious grin gave him away, “Not even that? My God, the purchasing power of my savings isn’t even insured against inflation? How dare you take advantage of an orphan?”
“This is how all Wizarding bank accounts work,” Griphook answered in an oily voice tinged with venom.
“Then all wizards are grand fools who are just asking to become destitute. This will not do. I demand a list of your banks prospectuses. Also, catalog me a list of local businesses in need of venture capital and Real Estate for sale. It’s time I start my wealth on earning me more wealth.”
Griphook smiled. It was always the muggleborns that brought in the most gold, just never at such a young age.
Shinji was a lonely child, miserable, missing his parents, abandoned by his father, and an outcast at school. He was sitting on the roof of the school, near the tennis courts, eating his lunch. He didn’t exactly have a lovingly packed bento. In fact, his lunch was just a few things, all purchased from a vending machine, including the can of iced tea. He was alone in the corner, most of the other kids preferring to keep their distance.
Shinji was surprised to find, by his feet, a ring that wasn’t there before. It was entirely green and shined in the sunlight. Picking it up, Shinji turned it around in his hand before slipping it onto his finger. He hadn’t expected that it would fit, for it looked much too large, but surprisingly it did slip on firmly and fitted well.
That was when the voice spoke in his mind.
Shinji exited the train-station. The announcement claimed that due to an emergency, trains would not run any further. Shinji didn’t know what the emergency was, but felt it would be his responsibility as the Green Lantern for this sector to help out.
“But first, I better let my contact know I’ll be late.” Shinji was put-out by the sudden invitation by his father to visit, but wanted to be polite about it. He found a pay-phone and was about to place a call when the ground shook and the line went dead. Looking over, he saw a giant monstrosity fighting off UN forces.
Shinji stopped and gawked at the surreal nature of the sight. Meanwhile, a blue sports car squeeled to a stop by him.
“Get in!” the pretty driver commanded.
“But that’s a Class Seven artificial lifeform, planetary engineering breed. Those have been banned by the convention of Oa and would be illegal anyways as this is a protected system.”
The driver’s eyes crossed, then she shrugged. “Whatever. Get! In! Now!” But to Misato’s surprise, a skin tight green uniform formed around the young kid, showing off that he did have quite the physique, and then he suddenly flew off towards the monster. “What the hell?!”
Knowing he had to end things quick, as too many innocent lives were at stake, Shinji formed a bubble around the angel and carted off into deep space where they could fight without bystanders. He also put in a distress call and report to Oa, knowing that the presence of such a thing required investigation and action. Whomever was behind the presence of Angels on Earth, for it was not likely this one merely happened to be here, would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of Galactic Law. Using information provided by the ring, Shinji was able to quickly and efficiently defeat and detonate the monstrous construct.
“Time to return, I don’t want to keep Father waiting.”
“I’ve decided. Let us...”
Read the comments on this episode
(Posted Thu, 24 Oct 2013 20:40)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.