The gods of fanfiction gathered in their most sacred of spaces.
“It has been a while since we last convened.”
“We have been too distracted by personal projects.”
“It has been to long since we last meddled.”
“Let us choose now, where to meddle.”
“Shall we scry?”
The gods than activated their most prized possession. It looked like a 1950s television set, except it was not limited to black-and-white. Nor was it limited to color, for the quantoelectromagneticgravimetric spectrum it projected transcended color.
“Commercials. Where’s the remote?”
“Shh. Did anyone bring popcorn?”
“Can’t you find something better?”
They then began to surf the myriad of realities, looking for something promising.
"What is Ranma like?" the daughter asked her father.
"No idea," was Soun's reply.
"No idea?" Three glares were directed his way.
"I never met him ..." Soun whipped out a photo album. "But I got pictures!"
The oversized hat slipped over the young boy's head.
"Plenty of courage, I see. You'll need that when you storm the Gates of Hell, overthrow the Devil, ... and take over? Well, you're not the first wannabe Dark Lord I've sorted, nor will you be the last. You're just the first with proper ambition. I know just where to place you."
"Not Slytherin."
"Not Slytherin?"
"I need minions."
"Well, then, you'll want the largest group of brainless jocks you can get."
GRYFFINDORE
Naru always found the hot-spring at Hinata to be creepy. It wasn't anything she could put her finger on, it just unnerved her for ill defined reasons. In fact, the whole place was slightly disturbing, but she chalked that up to its age and decay. It wasn't like Naru Narusegawa believed in ghosts.
So, she never went alone into the onsen. Today, she was glad that was a habit, for as she and Kitsune entered, they found a little boy playing in the water.
"Hey you! What are you doing here?"
The boy, though, disappeared.
Later, she told Haruka.
"Oh, that was probably just my cousin Keitaro. He drowned in the hot-spring when he was five. I hear from Seta that he's recently been sighted at Todai as well."
"Father," Yosho greeted the visiting Emperor of Jurai. "Are you here to make Tenchi marry Princess Ayeka?"
"No."
"No? Surely you don't mean to enforce my arranged marriage to my half-sister? I'm much too old looking for her."
The emperor snorted. "Please, you can't fool me with that disguise."
It was after one of those times when Chibi-Usa would visit the past. Usagi was so frustrated and stressed out by it that she railed at the heavens, "I wish time travel was impossible."
Her Silver Millennium Gem pulsed and flashed. Around her the universe shifted. Sailor Pluto was no longer the Senshi of Time.
She was now the Senshi of Riverdance.
Willow was unable to sneak into Gile's office and, consequently, her and Buffy never got to read the Watcher Diaries for notes on Angel.
"I wish I knew what kind of woman he liked," Buffy griped for the hundredth time.
Willow shrugged. "How about we get Xander's opinion? He's a guy, sorta."
"You mean, let Xander pick out my costume? Only if I can pick out yours."
"Only if I can pick out Xander's."
Later that afternoon, the trio left Ethan's clutching paper bags full of purchases. "I'm not so sure about-" Willow began to demurely complain.
Xander’s answer was surprisingly stern. "Tough, we all have to wear what was chosen for us." He grimaced in distaste.
Buffy nodded grimly. "Exactly as chosen. Even if we have misgivings. Huge misgivings ... over tiny costumes..."
Xander had the least amount of cash at hand, so Buffy got the smallest costume. Willow's costume was as daring as Buffy's own personality. And Xander ... he got the brunt of the two girl's displeasure. Luckily for him, Buffy had footwear and a top to go with the look he chose for her.
Later that evening, a magical pulse swept the streets of Sunnydale. Willow looked around in confusion. "This isn't my usual corner. I better go find Daddy Al before he gets upset at my absence." A block away, she ran into him. "Big Daddy Al, am I so happy to see you. How'd we get here?"
Xander looked over the hooker in confusion. "Excuse me, are you talking to me?"
"Yes, and why are you dressed like that ... Oh yeah, it is Halloween. Nice costume."
"Costume? I'm afraid you have me confused with someone else."
Willow shook her head. "Is this some kind of joke, Big Al? It's not funny."
"My name's not Al."
"Yes it is, you're my pimp daddy."
Xander blinked. "Why would you think ... wait, you'll let me pimp you out?" A lecherous grin crossed Xander's face. "OK, I can be Pimp Daddy Al. Just call me Alex, though."
Willow nodded. "Why are you dressed as a priest? A pimped out priest? A pimped out priest with a pimp cane, fur hat, and disco ball sunglasses?"
"Uh ... Halloween disguise? Who's suspect a priest to be a pimp?"
Down the block, they ran into a girl who was leaning against a tree, looking bored as she smoked a cigarette. She wore high heeled leather boots, a spandex mini skirt small enough to be indecent, a lacy thong, and a bikini top. "Hey, for a fifty, I’ll give you a tussle. Seventy five if your girlfriend joins in."
"These are my streets, bitch," Willow stormed up to the blonde.
Buffy snarled in return. "Shove off, bitch, before I gank you. This here hood belongs to Giles the Bookman."
"Ladies, ladies, relax. I am sure we can come to an understanding. How about we go meet this bookie of yours. I wouldn't mind taking you both, but I fear I left my wallet somewhere." Xander frowned as he finished patting down his pockets. "I hope a pickpocket didn't steal it."
"A pocket picker working my hood? We better go report this to Giles. Bloody Rupert won't be happy to hear someone's poaching on his turf. To the Library!"
The following morning, three teens met up with their mentor at the school library. "Well, last night was eventful." Giles sat down wiping his glasses. "Buffy, I am concerned with why you considered me your pimp. This isn't how you feel about the Watcher / Slayer partnership?"
Buffy waved a hand. "Naw, we're good. I don't know what that was. Funny how magic works." She shot him an innocent smile.
Giles stared at her thoughtfully for a moment. "Very well. And are there any after effects? Chaos magic is always unpredictable."
Willow blushed. "Ah ... ur, that is, you see ..."
Buffy interrupted. "Well, I can say, 'Wanna sleep with me, it'll cost you,' in seven different languages. And I now know this thing I can do with my tongue that -"
"Ahem," Giles loudly cleared his throat. "Yes, well ... Willow? The same?"
Willow shook her head. "No, no other languages. Just a desire to wear sexy underwear and tease. It's embarrassing, I was halfway here when I noticed I wasn't even wearing any underwear. I ran home to throw some on quickly. What would my mom think?"
Giles turned to look at the only other male. "And you?"
"Well, I know some Latin phrases and can exorcise demons." Xander shrugged. "Hey, it was Willow's idea to make me into a perverted priest. I wasn't expecting to also be a succubi hunter. I didn't know demon hunters specialized like that."
Harry had finally defeated Voldemort. Well, technically, Voldemort defeated Voldemort. But Harry didn't care about the details. Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. was finally dead.
"Yes, he is. And for your bravery and service, you have been awarded a gift," a voice boomed in Harry's head as he slept and dreamed.
"A gift? What is it."
"What do you choose? Think of it as a thank you and as consolation for losing the ability to talk to snakes. So, what power would you like for yourself, your children, and your bloodline?"
"I'm no longer a parselmouth?" Harry thought, and his thoughts turned to missing Hedwig as he would always talk out loud to his pet when deciding something big. She seemed to have always understood him. "How about owls? Can I talk to owls?"
"Very well, Harry Potter. You shall be the first wizard to be able to talk to owls. Your gift will be known as Fowlmouth."
It's been documented how Senju and Uchiha, sons of the Sage of Six Paths, came to be clans opposed. But many secrets exist about those early days when the father's favor passed to the youngest. The eldest son, angry and feeling betrayed, left on a trip of discovery, and discovered something ancient in a place he called the Mountains of Madness. Since then, his descendent's have practiced a secret art, a most foul and decadent art of rituals, barbaric and savage, harking back to an uncivilized and atavistic era. Through the generations, the Uchiha had kept a book, a secret and maleficent tome, first written in by that first Uchiha and added to over the years. A book that lies forgotten in the site of their massacre. A book that the youngest survivor, Sasuke Uchiha, will soon find. And with it succoring his budding insanity, his hatred, and his anger, the Uchihaicon may bring about the end of the world itself.
"Achoo," the young and last scion of a once noble, and bat-shit insane, clan sneezed as the motes of dust in the air tickled the wet lining of his nose and throat. The sneeze stirred up more dust, the motes of which danced in the turbulent miasma of the recently unsealed Uchiha Meeting Hall. Maybe it was a trick of the sunlight, cold in this blood and death stained ancient hall. Maybe it was the bump on the head of the young boy. Whatever the cause, his vision momentarily blurred. He thought he had seen a distant echo of the past. But that sensation passed. Yet, he easily recalled with a sense of anticipation how in that momentary mirage, what looked like his father closing a secret panel - There! A quick probe with nimble fingers found a hidden catch. Unlatched, a section of wall swung open, behind which laid, under the dust of ages and neglect, a book. A book that was singed but still whole looking.
"Is this?" the young boy questioned out loud. "Is this the secret of my long lost clan? All things to only be known by my family only? What truths and mysteries await me in its pages? And why am I talking like this to myself?"
And with that one find, the lonely and brooding orphan began down a road dark and maddening. Consorting with demons to achieve satiation of his lust for vengeance. However, his blood lust was never satisfied and instead grew with each succeeding ritual.
"And now, for your listening pleasure, the world's greatest rock band. Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, and Wanda Maximoff. They are THE AVENGERS!"
"Father, a gentleman named Genma Saotome is on the phone for you."
Soun smiled. "Thank you, Kasumi. Genma Saotome you say? Trust me, he's no gentleman." Once he arrived at the phone, Soun eagerly placed it to his ear. "Genma," he greeted enthusiastically, "you old son of a scabies sheep. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"
"Soun? You son of a three-headed camel. I am calling to warn you that the master has escaped."
"The dreaded one is free?"
"Yes," Genma intoned dramatically. "This means we need to enact emergency plan 8B, subsection 5."
"I understand," Soun replied then the line went dead.
"Kasumi? Can you go get your sisters? I have an important announcement to make."
Elsewhere, a portly martial artist was likewise breaking news to his son. "Son, you are now sixteen. Time to man up and get married."
"Wait, what?" Ranma shouted. "Married?"
Genma nodded. "Yes. I have arranged your marriage when you were born. We will be traveling soon to a good friend of mine. Pack your bags, we leave as soon as possible."
"Why the rush? Why am I hearing this only now?" Ranma grumbled.
"It was prophesied that only by mixing the blood of a Tendo with that of a Saotome could we finally stop a great and incurable evil."
"Blood? Are you sacrificing me?"
"In a way. But by blood, they mean baby making."
Ranma sighed. "If it's to stop evil, then I guess I better."
"Good," Genma intoned ominously, "for the dreaded master has escaped."
Ranma shot up. "Why didn't you say so at first? Forget packing, we better get going now!"
Kara's spaceship, originally, was not far behind Kal-El's. But it slipped further and further back as its slower engines couldn't keep up with the more advanced design of Jor-El's. Drifting ever further behind and off course, Kara's ship found a spatial anomaly that her cousin's did not. And with a quick wink of space and time, Clark Kent never knew his cousin.
Jumping realities, a spaceship landed on a very different Earth than originally intended. Newspapers reported the meteorite that slammed into the Hudson Harbor, washing many boats ashore. None reported of the small, blonde girl found in the wreckage of those boats, washed ashore naked. A child, amnesiac from the trauma, that no one could identify and no one came forward to claim, was sent to an orphanage in Queens as Jane Doe. She would grow and go to school like all such girls her age.
And like orphans such as herself, she would be ostracized and left out. Brilliant, kind, and shy, but poor and wearing second-hand clothing, top of her classes and best athlete, she never made a friend. Not until junior high, on that fateful first day at a new school.
"Oops, excuse me," a small and timid boy apologized from the ground, where he had fallen after bumping into Jane.
Jane smiled and helped the boy up. She was expecting him to be put out by her strength. All boys usually reacted the same way to her. "It's alright. Accidents happen."
To her surprise, the mousy twelve year old smiled at her. "With me, more often than not." He then held his hand out for her to shake. "The name's Peter. Peter Parker."
Jane shook his hand, a smile blossoming on her face. "Jane. Jane Doe."
"Ouch," the boy winced as he shook his hand.
"Sorry! Did I squeeze to hard? I thought I was getting better at that."
Peter blinked. "No, I meant your name. You parents have a sick sense of humor."
Jane looked away. "Actually, it's like it sounds like. I'm an orphan."
Peter winced again. "Sorry. That was insensitive of me. I lost my parents too. My Aunt and Uncle raise me. And you do have a strong grip. I'm kind of jealous, everyone always say my handshakes are wimpy."
Jane smiled at the boy. Happy he wasn't dismissing her like kids had done in the past. "Want to be friends?"
Peter smiled. The tall blonde was very easy on his eyes. "I would like that very much."
Peter was suddenly shoved into the bank of lockers by his nemesis, Flash Thompson. "Scram, Puny Parker. You got no business talking to hot chicks. Leave the babes to me." Flash then flashed Jane a winning smile. "The name's Flash Thompson, your new boyfriend."
Jane's face lost all trace of good humor. Effortlessly, she tossed Flash aside. Literally. "You alright, Peter?"
Peter smiled to see concern on the face of his new friend. "Yeah. Amazingly, I feel much better after watching you toss Flash aside like used tissue."
Flash, ego bruised and scorned, saw an easy target. "Hiding behind skirts now, Parker?"
Peter, head still a bit dizzy, let slipped the first thought that came to mind. "Only when the view is this perfect." Jane smiled, glad to know Peter wasn't going to be angry at her for being stronger. "So you're new around here?" Peter asked the blonde. "May I show you around?"
Jane nodded. "Can you show me where the library is?"
"A girl after my own tastes."
The girls of Hinata-Sou gathered in the common room, wondering why Granny wanted to meet with them.
"Hello, girls. I just wanted to let you know that I have decided to travel the world and tour all of its hot-springs. Not to worry though, I plan on leaving someone in charge."
"Who?" Kitsune asked.
Granny smiled. "My grandson, Keitaro, recently married. So I am giving him and his new wife this Inn as a wedding present."
Everyone gawked at the old landlady.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and neither can die while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies."
"Good, say it just like that tomorrow night at your 'interview'."
"Thank you, Headmaster. I shall do my best."
It’s a story as old as time. Sasuke secretly had a crush on his older brother Itachi. At least, that is what most adults assumed given his obsession with the man and his dark mutterings about scooping That Man’s eyes out with a rusty spoon and skull-fucking the corpse. It was also true that most adults did their best to keep their daughters away from the brooding child.
Sakura, and every other girl her age, had a not so secret crush on Sasuke. The girls didn’t even try to hide that fact, to the disappointment of their ninja-secret-keeping class instructor. However, all of these girls were constantly stymied as Sasuke only thought about one person. That he was so cold and aloof, and the fact their fathers tended to disapprove, caused the girls to only want him the more.
Naruto had a very vocal crush on Sakura. One that often led to head trauma.
Hinata had a shy and quiet, but perhaps not quite a secret, crush on Naruto. Successfully secretly, having actually scored high marks in ninja-secret-keeping class, Hiashi approved as he felt the demon child was still a better choice than a boy who was incest obsessed and into really kinky shit.
Neji, also a top scorer in ninja-secret-keeping class, harbored the forbidden desire to have his way with his cousin, Hinata. It wasn’t love, as he didn’t care to be in a relationship with her. He just lusted for her underaged body. Rookie of the years also had a good head start at being deranged and perverted ninja, if Sasuke, Neji, Kakashi, and Orochimaru were any proof.
Tenten had a thing for her teammate. Mostly because she only ever interacted with her team. And frankly, she didn’t feel desperate enough to be with Lee.
A love heptagon ... a story as old as time. Especially as Itachi always admired Tenten’s ability at ranged combat. He would often spy on the village, to see how his brother was progressing. And to watch the women’s side of the bath house. And to watch Tenten bathe. Even though she was a child, still. As Itachi was also Rookie of the Year.
The gods continued to skip through the channels of reality, looking for something inspiring.
“No, wait. Go back. How about this one, here?”
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(Posted Thu, 29 Aug 2013 04:18)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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