The air around her withered as she muttered under her breath.
As she approached the Cat Cafe, Cologne got another shock. Standing in front of the door of her restauraunt was Soun Tendo, serenading at the top of his lungs. Or at least she thought it was singing - it was hard to tell. Beside him, a panda disconsolately plunked at some sort of stringed instrument.
Good grief, she thought as she entered the restauraunt, the insanity around here must be contagious.
As she entered the restaurant, she found her great-granddaughter waiting for her with a concerned look on her face. "Great-Grandmother, Shampoo have little problem..."
"Never mind that," snapped Cologne. "For once, your problems can wait while I dig myself out of this mess. Would you be so kind as to fetch the book of Amazon Laws?"
Her great-granddaughter obligingly held up a small book that she carried in her pocket. "Not THAT one," snapped Cologne, "the BIG one."
"Ai-yah!" exclaimed Shampoo. "This sound serious..." She hurried into the back of the restaurant.
Cologne made herself a cup of tea and sat down, thinking. The first thing to do was to consult the Law. The first thing to do was ALWAYS to consult the Law.
Bugger the law, she decided as Shampoo returned, carrying The Book with great effort. Gasping for breath, her great-granddaughter managed to wrestle the book onto the table and stood there, panting heavily.
The book itself was about the size of a microwave oven, and weighed as much as a cast-iron stove. On the cover was written:
Funk and Wagnell's Book of Chinese Amazon Laws
Third Edition
(now with over three thousand new sub-clauses!)
Cross-Referenced and Fully Indexed
With commentary on each of the 82,172,315 laws by Cilantro of the Musk Dynasty
"What Great-Grandmother need book for?" asked Shampoo.
Cologne sighed - best to get the explanations over with. "I was beaten today... by a man," she replied. "It was a fluke, not to mention the fact that I'm three hundred years old and was under the influence of something diabolical at the time..."
"Great-grandmother kissed with lip balm, yes?" said Shampoo suddenly. Cologne nodded. "Then lip balm wear off after time! Shampoo too glad!"
"If that's what I think it is," replied Cologne, "then the answer is both good and bad. The only lip balm I know of with such terrible effects is the dreaded Lip Balm of Love - created two thousand five hundred years ago by the Chinese Amazons. It wears off after twenty-four hours on women, but on men the effect is permanent."
"So I going to have to put up with Stupid Crying Singing Man AND Mousse now? Life not fair..."
"If life was fair," replied Cologne testily, "you would be married to Son-In-Law, we'd be back in China, and I wouldn't be trying to find a way out of marriage with a seventeen year old lunatic." She turned her attention to the giant book that lay before her. "I just hope I can find a legal way out of this disaster."
Three hours later, the two Amazons had finally found what they were looking for. Buried on page 1,372 was the following paragraph:
Under Amazon Law, if a woman warrior (hereafter referred to as "The Amazon") is defeated by a male outsider (hereafter referred to as "The Groom"), she must give him the kiss of marriage and make him her husband.
There are no exceptions to this rule, regardless of the age of either party, or the means and methods used in the courtship [see Case 64121-J, "Toenail Clipper vs. Toenail Clipper", also 71234-F, "Anti-Fungal Cream vs. Non-Stick Armpit Deodorant"]. If the Groom is unwilling to comply with the marriage, it is the responsibility of the Amazon to ensure that the marriage is ratified by any means necessary, up to and including drugging him out of his skull.
In the event that the Groom is undesireable, unattractive, or replete with gross physical deformities, the Law does not, regrettably, permit the Amazon to use such drugs on herself.
#61,234,121, section 3 [Outsiders, making Husband Material out of]:
"Damn," said Cologne. Her temper was not helped by the fact that Soun Tendo, encouraged by the absence of fruits and vegetables, had increased the volume of his serenading. Not only that, but he had switched from Japanese to badly-mangled Italian, and was now bastardizing his way through "O Sole Mio."
"Mousse!" she yelled. "I've got a job for you that even you shouldn't be able to mess up - go outside and throw rotten vegetables at that idiot."
"Wait, Great-Grandmother!" exclaimed Shampoo. "There more! Look! See footnote!"
Cologne continued to read:
Addendum:
It is worth noting that in Case 121412-F, "Hibiki vs. Pumice Stone", the court ruled that the marriage was illegal because the Groom was unable to fulfill his manly obligations. Being unable to produce a future generation of Amazons, the marriage had no inherant value and a divorce was summarily granted.
"Ah-HAH!" exclaimed Cologne, and laughed. "All I need to do, therefore, is to relieve that idiot kendoist of his... his..."
"Manly Sabre?" suggested Shampoo. "At least, that what HE call it..."
"Whatever," Cologne replied. "Now, how to go about it..."
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(Posted Mon, 04 Aug 2003 10:02)
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