Akane grumbled and saw what had tripped her up. She saw that it was Ranma, having stuck out his foot. "Ranma you jerk! What do you think you're doing!?"
"Akane, you gotta admit that death is a little out of your league," Ranma said to her seriously. Then going into his usal, 'confident-cocky-bastard' mode, Ranma cracked and knuckles and said, "Now I on the other hand."
If Death had eyebrows, it would have raised on. "OH? YOU PLAN TO FIGHT ME? EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE ONLY ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES OF LIFE LEFT?"
Hearing that stopped Ranma in his tracks. "Huh!?"
"QUITE SO," Death answered. "YOU SEE, RANMA, IT'S LIKE THIS. I AM AFTER HAPPOSAI THIS EVENING, HOWEVER, I WOULD HAVE THEN COME BACK FOR YOUR VERY SHORTLY."
Blinking his eyes once, twice, thrice, Ranma managed to ask, "I'm going to die?"
"AFRAID SO," Death said.
"How am I going to die!?"
"LONG OVERDUE EFFECTS OF FOOD POISONING AND OVERWHELMED BY ULCERATION OF THE INTESTINES"
"F, food poisoning!?" Ranma then blinked his eyes again. "Ulceration of the intestines.
"YES," Death said as he nodded his head. "YOU'RE GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH FROM THE INSIDE. QUITE PAINFUL INDEED."
Ranma clutched the sides of his head. "WHAT THE HELL DID ME IN!?"
Deciding to oblige to Ranma's reasonable request, Death then pulled out a scroll from his sleeve, which looked a little like a grocery list. "FIRST OFF, THERE'S THE MALNUTRITION AND STARVATION YOU ENDURED WHILE TRAINING AND GROWING UP, (YOU SHOULD BE AT LEAST 6'4" AND A MOUNTAIN OF MUSCLE YOU KNOW). THEN THERE'S ALL THOSE CULINARY DISASTERS OF AKANE HERE THAT YOU HAD CHOCKED DOWN PERVIOUSLY OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. THEN YOU HAVE ALL THOSE NICE POISONED TREATS AND MEALS THAT KODACHI MADE, (YOU SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THOSE WEREN'T NON-TOXIC). THERE'S ALSO ALL THOSE SPIKED MEALS OF SHAMPOO'S THAT Y0U HAD PARTAKEN IN, POOR BUBBLY AMAZON DIDN'T REALIZE THAT SHE WAS USING LETHAL DOSES OF CERTAIN ITEMS TO TRY AND ENSNARE YOU. OH, AND THERE IS ALSO THAT WHOLE JAR OF TEN-YEAR-OLD TAINTED SAUCE OF UKYO'S THAT YOU SCARFED DOWN TO TRY AND SAVE HER FEELINGS FROM BEING HURT."
Ranma fell to his knees. "I really am going to be done in by Akane's cooking."
"HEY!" Akane shouted, "My cooking isn't the only one that's killing you!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MY BABY GIRL POISONED HER FIANCE!" Soun cried out with rivers of tears. "NOW THE SCHOOLS WILL NEVER BE JOINED!"
"WAIT A MINUTE! Akane screamed. "YOU HEARD DEATH! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT-"
"Oh, it's all my fault," Kasumi said in an embarassed fashion. "If only I had taken the time to properly train Akane to cook, Ranma-kun would live long enough to marry Akane."
Akane howled in frustration. Death just listed off all the poisons Ranma had. Why did they have to just focs on hers!?
Looking at Death, Ranma asked, "So how long have I got to live?"
"LET'S SEE," Death said as he put away his scroll. Pulling down his otehr sleeve, death revealed he had a Mickey Mosue watch around his wrist, (or more precisely his Radius and Ulna bones). "YOU'LL BE GOING IN FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE..."
It was then that Ranma fell to the floor and rolled aorund while screaming. He then began vomitting streams of green-colored liquid all about which had starnds of red in it as there was a lot of blood as well.
"Oh my, such a mess!" Kasumi said.
Ranma continued to roll about while projectile vomitting, hitting the Ice Queen of Furinkan dead on.
Nabiki frowned a little. "You're paying for this, Saotome."
Soun was bewildered as he saw the living room of his home was being covered in Ranma's vomit and blood. He turned to Death and asked, "How much longer is this supposed to last."
"NOT TOO LONG," Death said, "HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD ON THE SPOT, BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED A MARTIAL ARTIST OF HIS CALIBER MIGHT LAST UP TO ANOTHER MINUTE OF VOMITTING."
Four Hours Later...
Soun was on his knees in the backyard crying as Ranma was rolling around and giving the Tendo living room it's sixteenth coating of his own insides.
"Oh damn, I hope we'll be able to get rid of the stink," Nabiki said, as she thought of the horrendous cleaning bills they'd have to deal with.
"You'd think he'd have run out of liquids by now," Akane grumbled.
Genma was silent as he stared at the absolutely disgusting spectacle of his son dying. He turned to Death and asked, "Not that I want my son to die, but shouldn't this have stopped by now!?"
If Death had an eye, it would have twitched. "WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M SUFFICIENTLY IMPRESSED. RANMA'S HAD THE WORST CASE OF FOOD POISONING OF AND STOMACH ULCERATION I'D EVER HEARD OF. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD HOURS AGO. THIS SAYS A LOT ABOUT HIS WILL TO LIVE."
Sighing, Death made his way into the Dojo, hovering a bit above the floor as he did not want to step in the vomit. Once he was behind Ranma, Death stabbed the pigtailed man in the back with his scythe, causing him to die instantly, (and to stop vomitting).
A transluscent version of Ranma rose from the body, the soul having been taken from the body. "Oh man, I'm glad that's over." Ranma then looked around and looked down at his feet to see he was standing atop his own body. "Aw, damn it... I'm dead, aren't I?"
"QUITE SO," Death answered calmly. "THOUGH I MUST ADMIT YOU IMPRESS ME SAOTOME. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB?"
Ranma looked at Death quizically. A job?"
"YES," Death said seriously. "I CAN GIVE YOU BACK YOUR BODY, HEALED, AND YOU IN TURN BECOME AN AGENT OF SORTS FOR ME WHILE ON EARTH."
"I don't know..." Ranma said hesitantly. "What would happen if I just went along with my fate?"
"YOU'D BE SPENDING THE NEXT COUPLE OF MILLENIA IN PURGATORY TO CLEANSE YOU OF YOUR SINS," Death answered honestly. "I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT BAD ENOUGH TO BE CALLED 'EVIL', BUT YOU'RE CERTAINLY NO ANGEL. SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, RANMA? SPEND TIEM IN PURGATORY UNTIL TH YEAR 7000 AD, OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE A SEMI-NORMAL MORTAL LIFE A BIT LONGER AND BE ALLOWED INTO HEAVEN AFTERWARDS?"
"I'd like to live a little longer," Ranma said honestly.
"GREAT!" Death said, and started taking off his cloak; revealing himself to be a skeleton in a pair of blue swim-trunks and beach sandals. He then placed the cloak and sctyhe in Ranma's hands. "HERE. YOU'LL NEED THESE. THE CLOAK WILL ALLOW YOU TO BECOME TRANSIENT IN SPACE, SO NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU IF YOU WILL IT AS SUCH. AND THE SCYTHE CANNOT CUT MATTER, BUT IT CAN ACTUALLY PULL A SOUL RIGHT FROM A LIVING BEING."
"Okay," Ranma said in an unsure tone of voice. "How do I get back in my body?"
"JUST PUT ON THE CLOAK, AND YOUR SOUL WITH HAVE A NEW PHYSICAL EXTERIOR ONCE MORE," Death said.
Nodding his head Ranma did as asked, and low and behold, he was o longer transluscent. "Okay. Now, what about you?"
"ME? I'M HEADING DOWN TO THE EBACHES OF FLORIDA!" Death said honestly. "I'VE BEEN MEANING TO GET IN SOME TANNING, ER, BLEACHING."
Ans with that, Death put on a pair of sunglasses and disappeared, leaving Ranma, the new Agent of Death, in the middle of a vomit-covered Dojo and a dead body of himself.
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(Posted Wed, 01 Oct 2003 17:30)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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