An emcee had been found from somewhere. "Okay. Welcome to the European 'Date Contest' where Sailor Uranus and Himalia will attempt to choose their date, and then be rated by our studio audience as to the quality of that date and how much their date enjoyed the evening. Each contestant will be able to ask five questions of their three date candidates to determine which will be the most compatible. Winning the coin flip was the Sailor Senshi to go first."
"Okay," said Haruka, straightening up to flash a confident smile at the camera. "First question, if you were a car, what kind of car would you be?"
In the booth, the Senshi groaned and Venus began beating her head against one wall.
Bachelor #1 smiled confidently, revealing a sparkling white smile. "I'd be a Mercedes Sports Sedan. Fast, powerful, and beyond the ordinary."
Bachelor #2 looked at Bachelor #1 as if wondering if this guy was an alien. "Uhm. A car? I guess a Rolls Royce. Because I have style."
Bachelor #3 was an obvious computer nerd. "Uhm. An economy car I guess. I don't have a lot of frills and I'm low maintenance?"
"Oy vey," complained Sailor Mars in their booth. "One guy has looks, one guy is rich, and one guy has brains. This is going to be a massacre."
"A punfight at the OK canal," agreed Sailor Venus.
"Uranus no baka," summed up Sailor Neptune.
"Second question," began Haruka. "Why would you want to date someone like me when you already know I'm not into guys?"
Bachelor #1 tried to look thoughtful for the camera. "You're only lesbian because you've never met me, baby."
Bachelor #2 cleared his throat. "For the sake of Europe. I have considerable sums of money at stake. Besides, if anyone can make it a quality evening on the town, it would be myself."
Bachelor #3 looked like he was upset. "I thought I was going to be dating Sailor Jupiter. She's cute..."
"Down girl," Sailor Venus advised the stricken-looking Sailor Jupiter.
"He's not tall, he's got glasses, he's skinny, and his shirt doesn't match his pants," said Sailor Jupiter. "He doesn't even look close to my sempai. But he's the first guy I've ever heard of who thought of me as cute."
"You can deal with the mixed emotions later," suggested Sailor Neptune. "In the meantime Haruka's asking her third question."
Haruka frowned, trying to picture the three based on their voices. "Okay. Third question. If we were on a date and a youma attacked - what would you do?"
Bachelor #1 looked thoughtful. "I think the whole youma thing probably results from a misunderstanding. I'd open a dialogue so that we could find room for compromise."
Bachelor #2 hmmphed. "There are no youma. If there were, I'm sure my bodyguards could handle it."
Bachelor #3 scratched his head. "Oh dear. How about if I let you handle it since I don't have any magical attacks handy. Unless I've got warning in which case maybe I could do fire support?"
Haruka looked disgusted for B#1, curious about B#2, and shook her head during B#3's answer. "Fourth question. If you were having to fight a nearly omnipotent alien in a series of inane challenges for world domination, how would you pull off a victory?"
Bachelor #1 smiled confidently, his teeth gleaming. "Why, if that occurred I'd make sure to start a dialogue with the alien - find some common ground and where a good compromise would be. I'm sure that if you explained the situation, well, all those bad old problems would just scoot away. The biggest problem in the world today is that we just don't CARE enough."
Bachelor #2 again wondered if Bachelor #1 were an alien. "I'd hire consultants in every available field, including military research and analysis and find have them determine feasible approaches and go from there."
Bachelor #3 frowned thoughtfully. "Gee, I guess what I'd do is analyze the alien's technology and determine how much of a lead they've got on us. In the case of the current alien and his pretty overwhelming advantage, I'd probably play by his rules until I could determine what his actual motivation is - then determine where the weak points in his defenses exist so that they could be exploited if it became necessary."
Haruka was frantically scribbling down notes when she noticed the camera was back on her. "Oh, hi! Uhm, right. Final question. What's your stance on lesbian sex?"
Bachelor #1's grin turned up a notch. "Yeah, baby!"
Bachelor #2 hrmphed. "Well, it's fine I suppose. Everything has its place."
Bachelor #3 looked stricken and covered his crotch. "I don't wanna be a girl!"
The emcee cleared his throat. "There we have it. Will Ms Uranus choose Bachelor #1... Bachelor #2... orrrrr Bachelor #3?"
Haruka fidgeted and nearly dislodged her mask. "I choose..."
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(Posted Fri, 24 Oct 2003 14:29)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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