In the middle of a Nerima street, a rupture in the space-time continuum manifested as a large gap in reality itself, from which an array of unearthly lights and colors filtered. From this gate, stepped out... a man.
This person was tall, close to six feet in height. Obviously a Gaijin, of Caucasian origin, he had a short beard, raven-black hair and dark brown eyes.
He was wearing some fancy white cloak or robe with red, blue and gold trimmings. On his back was wrapped a large, occidental-style broadsword. In his hand he was holding open a book with a black and yellow cover.
The title of this book? “Self-Insertion for Dummies”
“Now lessee...” mumbled the guy, speaking to himself as he was browsing the book’s content. “Mary-Sue... nope... American TV series... bleah... Ah, anime, alright... chapter one, Ranma Nibunnoichi... now that’s handy.”
Starting to read the chapter, the stranger missed to notice the rumbling coming from far behind him on the road, and slowly approaching.
“Part one, resolving every sentimental tangle in the series... okay.
Pairing: Ranma & Akane; Kasumi & Tōfū; Shampoo & Mousse... eck, I don’t hate Shampoo that much. Ukyō & Ryōga... alternate, Ukyō/Konatsu and Ryōga/Akari... uh, yeah, I guess we’re post-volume 38. ...
What? No Kodachi & Tatewaki suggested? Ain’t complete...”
The rumbling increased, a cloud of dust now visible at the end of the street, but our hero still didn’t notice.
“Part two, beating up every top-notch martial artist in the Ranmaverse... pff, easy.
Part three, bringing heavenly revenge on Genma Saotome... see appendix 3 for list of possible tortures...”
The cloud of dust and trampling sound quickly came closer, and revealed itself to be a crowd, running after some diminutive, wrinkled gnome carrying a large bag. On closer examination, the crowd was entirely composed of females, most of them in school uniform, and brandishing brooms, baseball bats and other blunt weaponry.
“Part four, the lemon scene with Nabiki... hehe.” *drool* “I think I’m gonna start with that...”
The pervert-bashing party was now almost at the level of the mysterious figure. The little panty-thief leading them suddenly landed on top of the head of the foreigner standing in the middle of the street. Happy was about to continue bouncing away, when he caught sight of the book, and blinked. Fast as lightning, he seized it from the hands of the surprised Gaijin and jumped on the ground. The ancient master then raised a hand, and yelled:
“STOP!!”
The pursuing crowd stopped very suddenly, more out of surprise than anything else.
“Self-Insertion for Dummies?” read aloud Happōsai, a dubious look on his face. “I can’t believe it. There’s still some clots brave enough to try this?”
On his part, the man’s face lit up when he recognized the old pervert. ‘It’s him! It’s Happōsai-sama! My favorite Ranma ½ character! I’m so lucky!’
“Ya know, lad, that may be a very bad move, what you just did. People around here are getting rather fed up with your ilk,” kindly explained the founder of Anything Goes.
“Hu... I don’t know what you’re talking about, Master Happōsai,” reverently answered the man. “I’m just a wandering martial artist....”
“Don’t bother, kid,” sighed Happy, “the fourth wall is already completely broken, you’re not going to fool anyone.” Then, looking at the inside of the cover of the book, his eyes grew wide. “‘This book the property of...’ oh boy, that can’t be! You’re the writer that did the ‘Orgy Class Study’ ep.? Now that was good stuff, I liked it!”
“Hu... glad that pleased you, Master...” hesitantly answered the self-insert. Was he going to be asked for an autograph?
The rest of the crowd, however, had heard too. The girls of Fūrinkan all started to growl like one... one furious beast actually.
“It’s THAT pervert!”
“How dare he!”
“He’s going to pay for all those sick lemon writers!”
“And for all those damn, egomaniac self-insertions!”
“If I were you, I’d start to run, son,” flatly commented Happōsai.
“Wha...” the target of all this focused hatred finally turned around, to see in just what predicament he was. “Now wait a minute,” he protested, “I got Astounding Otaku Powers! They can’t do anything to me!”
“And they got Righteous Female Fury. You’re toast. Believe me, I know,” countered Happy.
Next, a large cloud of dust was masking a scene of intense violence directed at one hapless self-inserted author. The assembled women laid unholy smack-down on him with brooms, heels and various other instruments of blunt trauma, while Happōsai watched and sadly shook his head. For the sake of the more sensitive readers of the Anime Addventure, though, this will not be described at length here. Let’s just say it hurt. A lot.
Now, after this interlude, back to the main story...
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(Posted Sun, 23 Nov 2003 23:10)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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