"Airen!" she whimpered frantically, burying her face in his kimono, and not looking up.
"I'm assuming she's on the list," Nabiki grumbled, waving away the dust. "What's the hurry, Shampoo?"
"Hiba-chan is scary!" Shampoo mumbled, trying to burrow deeper into Ranma's chest, and Akane's lap. Akane had gone beyond the facial tic phase, and proceeded directly to tired acceptance, merely patting Shampoo comfortingly on the back.
A steadily growing, echoing cackle seemed to emanate from the walls around the dojo, and then Cologne appeared, balanced atop her staff and smiling so widely that Ranma thought it was a wonder the top of her head didn't pop off. "Good morning, Muko-dono!" she said cheerfully.
"Ghoul," he replied, nodding.
"I'm in a good mood, so I'll let you get away with that," Cologne said in the same ominously cheerful tone. "Now, when will you be returning to China to tend your wife and child?"
Ranma would have fallen over if he weren't so thickly tangled in the girls' embraces. "Uh?" he managed.
"Oh, dear," Kasumi murmured, kneeling behind Ranma and starting to massage his back. "There there, Ranma-kun. We'll take care of your baby."
Cologne's smile began to fade, and she started looking around the dojo uncertainly. "Pardon, Tendo-san," she said respectfully to Kasumi, "are you implying that Ranma is going to stay here?"
"If we've got any say in the matter!" all of the girls but Shampoo said in unison.
At that, the young Joketsuzoku warrior peeked away from Ranma long enough to realize that she wasn't (apparently) being attacked, yelled at, threatened, and whatever had gotten into her great-grandmother, the people around her seemed to be on her side. "Airen chooses where to go," she said. "Shampoo follow."
"She'll do fine," Kodachi judged, smiling at Shampoo brightly.
"Excuse me?" Cologne asked, now quite befuddled. "You girls.... You do know that he slept with Shampoo. That he got her pregnant. Don't you?"
"Oh, we're quite aware of what Ranma does to girls with his manhood," Kasumi said matter-of-factly. "It's quite difficult to put out of your mind, once you've...." She trailed off, and blushed. "Well," she concluded, "suffice to say that it's not a problem."
Cologne's brows knitted. "Ah," she said uncertainly, "but Ranma must wed Shampoo. She is pregnant."
"I'm gonna be a father?" Ranma said, somewhat dazedly.
"Logistically inevitable," Nabiki grumbled. Then she explained what she knew of the disease to Cologne, while Ranma slowly began to recover from the most recent revelation.
After Nabiki's explanation, Cologne was silent for a long minute, sipping at some tea Konatsu had fetched while Kasumi was occupied with Ranma. "I see," she said, finally seeming to rouse herself from her distraction. "Well. New laws. I'm.... Not sure how to react to this."
"Finally, someone pulled one over on you," Ranma muttered.
"Quiet, Muko-dono," she grumped.
"Oh, come on. You got what you wanted!" Ranma complained. "You don't know what _I_ went through."
"I think it's about time that came out, actually," Nabiki noted, hefting her pad of paper. "So. Right now, I know that you've slept with Hinako, Ukyou, Kodachi ... Shampoo at some point ... Kasumi, me, and Akane. Then Ukyou again. Ukyou slept with Konatsu before you slept with her the second time."
Ukyou flinched, and glared at Nabiki. "Thanks for keeping that on the down low," she growled.
Nabiki held up her hands in a gesture of peace, and explained, "Ucchan, you know the saying, right? When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with? I'm just trying to see what the odds of any of us having a sexually transmitted disease are."
"Good thinking," Cologne mused. "Muko-dono! You and Shampoo should go gather the other girls you've slept with -- if you can, bring them here. We'll need to investigate. Kodachi, if you don't mind, come with me. I need some herbs from my collection, and I suspect that since you are the ... first wife ... of this family, we'll have much to discuss."
"Herbs?" Kasumi asked. "Whatever for?"
"Oh, some things can be cured," Cologne said, shrugging. "Quite easily. Let's just say that a few ... accidents like this have happened before. If caught in time, we can prevent any ... worrisome issues from cropping up."
"Hmm," Kodachi mused. "I have a sizable herb garden of my own, Elder, which I'll invite you to use as you see fit. As it stands, truly, I must return to my former home and arrange my family's finances. While my brother is the elder, the laws currently favor women as heirs. Thusly, it's urgent I ensure the survival of ... well ... our child's trust funds and such." She blew gently on Ranma's ear, and nipped the lobe with her teeth once, which elicited a surprised squeak from Akane, still in his lap. "Hopefully," she murmured, "this child will have brothers and sisters to keep him or her company."
"Gah," Ranma choked, before passing out. This time, the girls all let him alone long enough to recover his senses.
While he was waking up, Cologne nodded. "I suppose that makes sense," she allowed. "If you're missing anything, I'll need to stop by my place anyway. But they're along the same route."
"Excellent," Kodachi cooed, clapping her hands together. "Nabiki-chan, will you be willing to assist me in this endeavor?"
"Pardon?" Nabiki asked, blinking. "You want me to be responsible for handling a part of the Kuno fortune?"
"No, Nabiki-chan," Kodachi said with a small sigh. "The Saotome fortune."
After she picked herself up off the ground, Nabiki nodded. "Got it. Ranma-kun! Get those other girls. Take Ucchan with you, too."
"What about me!" Akane protested.
"Make sure we've all got something to come home to," Nabiki muttered.
"Oh, well, it's about time to start cleaning the house anyway," Kasumi decided.
"I'll help," Konatsu volunteered. Sighing, and having nothing better to do for the moment, Akane joined the cleaning crew.
See other episodes by Sgt. Chibi De`Ohki
(Posted Mon, 18 Jul 2005 22:27)
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