"Tarak has little water except in deep aquifers," said Hibiki. "They purify almost all water by diluting alcohol in it."
"Oh?" said Scotty, raising an eyebrow.
"Majere is an iceworld, with very little arable land," added Spock. "It appears that each originally settled one of the two worlds with the intent that materials from one would be valued on the other. However trade broke down within a decade of the original settlement."
"They're crazier than the Space Pigs Of Uzuki," said Ryoga Hibiki.
Not knowing what THOSE were either, Captain Kirk merely gestured to Lieutenant Uhura to kill audio if she had not done so already. "So how did YOU cross their path, Mister Hibiki?"
"By getting lost, of course," said Lieutenant Sulu.
"I was aboard the USS Ikazuchi, a scoutship, when we were attacked by female pirates out of Majere," said Hibiki. "It was terrible! We were under orders not to fire upon civilians, and we were being boarded by space pirates!"
"Scoutships of the Ikazuchi's class normally have only a single phaser bank," pointed out Spock.
"They scavenged everything aboard the ship they could, began ferrying prisoners to some penal asteroid, and I..."
"Got lost?" prompted Sulu.
"Someone moved the corridor signs again!" insisted Hibiki.
"So I take it that you did something to this Majeran?" asked Captain Kirk.
"I never did nothing to her!" insisted Hibiki.
"Hmmmm," said most of the bridge crew, Uhura even going so far as to waggle her eyebrows suggestively.
"There must have been something to get a girl to chase you this far from Majere," said Uhura after considering it briefly.
"I don't know what it is," insisted Hibiki.
"She's a pirate though?" asked Captain Kirk. "Maybe we should raise shields."
"Raising shields, forcefields ready," said Hibiki. "Should we try cloaking?"
"We don't have a cloaking device," said Lieutenant Sulu. "We get enough trouble from the Romulans without breaking THAT treaty."
"Amen," said practically everyone on the bridge.
"Oy gevalt," said Mister Spock, daring to be different.
"They're firing on us?" asked Lieutenant Sulu. "Missile spread from vessel."
"Red alert," said Kirk quickly. "Brace for impact."
"Uhm, sir, these are Majeran missiles, fired from sixty two light-hours away," said Lieutenant Sulu. "ETA is sometime next week."
"What?" asked Kirk. "How about if we just move out of the way then?"
"Good enough," said Sulu, laying in a course.
Kirk considered things. "Belay that. As soon as the missiles enter phaser range, pick them off. Why did they fire missiles if this Majeran girl wants to meet up with 'Mister Alien'?"
"It's probably Barnette," sheepishly admitted Ryoga.
"Why would this 'Barnette' fire missiles at a Federation Heavy Cruiser that has armament that could destroy her vessel without effort?" asked Kirk of the navigator.
"Probably the Uzukian Alien Space Pig," said Ryoga. "Or it might be, well, I was in custody and I tripped and I sorta fell down on top of her."
"Why couldn't this be a nice simple mission?" Kirk asked Spock. "Aren't we due for one by now?"
"Indeed," said Spock.
"The Majeran vessel is approaching, dropping from warp speeds to impulse," said Sulu. "They're still sixty-two light-hours away though, so..."
"They'll get here long after we've gone," said Kirk. "Why?"
"Probably Celtic Midori," said Hibiki. "She works the helm. She's afraid she'll get man-germs."
Kirk considered that. "Was the commander of the Ikazuchi courtmartialed for losing his vessel to a group like that?"
"Yeah, you could say that," said Hibiki. "If Celtic's leading, then Amarone and Belvedere are likely following her lead."
"You know a lot of them," noted Kirk.
"He got lost on their ship for over a month," said Sulu. At Hibiki's look, he added "I read the report on it."
"Do you remember the bit about the 'antennae'?" asked Uhura with some obviously mischievous humor.
Captain Kirk blinked and looked at Hibiki (who was squirming) and back at the view of the ship that was heading their way at roughly the speed of a very slow meteor.
"They're speeding up, apparently the captain or vice-commander has decided to overrule Celtic," reported Hibiki. "They'll be passing their own missiles about now. ETA: fifteen minutes."
"Leave the shields up," said Captain Kirk. "When they do get here, we'll-"
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