“‘A little advice’?” exclaimed Asuka. “We’re going to need a lot more than that! We’re restarting our lives from scratch here!”
“Not really,” replied Penn-Penn. “As I said, I will attend to the assorted bureaucratic rigmarole. The most important knowledge you need is that about those individuals who you would be wise to befriend. I will ensure you are enrolled in many of the same classes as they are, especially this girl.” The empowered penguin made a gesture, and a seemingly holographic image appeared in the center of the room. The image was one of a brunette girl with a yellow headband and a mischievous smirk. “This,” exposited Penn-Penn, “is Haruhi Suzumiya. She is in her first year of high school, head of a club of her own creation, and is functionally omnipotent.”
“She’s what!?” This came from both Children.
“She is the Great Will of thus universe personified, shaping, manipulating, and destroying it as per her whim, though she has no idea of her power. It could hypothetically be argued that she arranged events so that I would bring you to her, but that is rather unlikely.”
“Wait a second, ‘destroying’?” exclaimed Asuka. “You took us from the end of world to plop us into another with the life expectancy of a snowcone in a blast furnace! What’s stopping this Überfraulein from remaking the world every time she gets PMS?”
Penn-Penn gestured again, and the image changed to a male student whose appearance didn’t scream “typical,” but said it in a calm, appropriately modulated, and unquestionable tone. “He is. This is Kyon.”
“Full name?” demanded Asuka.
“I honestly know not. Everyone just calls him Kyon. In any case, he is, as it were, the carbon rod in Suzumiya’s nuclear reactor, acting as a stabilizer and keeping her from rewriting existence during any given fit of ennui. Ironically enough, he also occasionally acts as a catalyst for Suzumiya, a muse, if you will. To summarize, if Suzumiya is God, Kyon is her avatar, her prophet, her Chosen One.”
“Her boyfriend?” inferred the redhead.
“There is a mutual attraction, but neither will admit it, both sublimating their nascent romantic feelings in exasperated frustration.” Penn-Penn managed to keep his ‘Sound familiar?’ unspoken.
“Why not just tell Suzumiya about her abilities and have her regulate herself?” asked Shinji.
“There’s really no telling just how she would react to such a revelation. Would you take such a chance with all of reality at stake?” Shinji’s downcast expression provided the answer. “Anyway, these two are arguably the two most important people on this plane. The other three I’m going to tell you about are marginally less so.” Penn-Penn gestured again, shifting the image to the face of a smiling male student.”
Shinji felt a chill run down his spine. “Kaoru’s in this world?”
“Hmm?” The penguin examined the illusion more closely. “I can see the resemblance, but no. This is Itsuki Koizumi, Vice Captain of Suzumiya’s club, the SOS-Dan.”
“Dare I ask?” Asuka asked daringly.
“‘Save the Universe by Overloading it with Fun Suzumiya Haruhi’s Brigade,’ or SOS-Dan for short.”
“Mein Gott. What is wrong with this girl?”
“She’s like Misato, yet she’s sober.” Shinji marveled at this paradox.
“If we may continue?” said Penn-Penn, forcing the train of thought back on the main line. “Itsuki bears few similarities to the Seventeenth Angel. He’s fully on your side, his unusual powers are entirely different, and at worst he’ll violate Shinji’s personal space.”
“Unusual powers?” Asuka inquired.
“Define ‘invade personal space,’ please,” Shinji said hesitantly.
“He is an esper. In the extradimensional bubbles known as ‘closed space’ which form as Suzumiya’s dissatisfaction with the world rises, he has potent destructive powers.”
“And outside closed space?”
“So, do we mean just sitting too close, or…”
“Outside of closed space, he is as normal as you or Shinji.” Penn-Penn paused to consider this. “Perhaps more so.”
“How far are we talking, using the baseball metaphor?”
Asuka smacked the concerned boy. “Focus, will you?”
“I am. That’s the problem.”
“Moving on,” Penn-Penn interjected, shifting the illusion yet again. This time it held the visage of a girl with interestingly colored hair and a bland expression.
“Rei!?” the dimensional exiles exclaimed in unison.
“No, but Suzumiya did choose her to fill a similar character archetype. This is Yuki Nagato. She practically devours books, enjoys computer games, and is an interface construct built by a noncorporeal extraterrestrial intelligence.”
“Um…” Shinji ummed uncertainly.
Asuka summarized. “She’s an alien.”
“Though her DNA is human, you are correct in most senses of the word,” Penn-Penn confirmed. “Her powers are centered around data manipulation.”
“So she can hack into computers?” guessed the redhead.
“You misunderstand. When I say data, I mean the very metadata of existence. Her reality-warping skills may not be as all-encompassing as Suzumiya’s, but they are still quite impressive.” Penn-Penn gestured again, and the image changed to a youthful female face.
“She’s cute,” noted Shinji.
Asuka harrumphed. “If you go for Lolitas.”
“Judging by their reactions, many of the male students do,” noted Penn-Penn. “This is Mikuru Asahina, mascot of the SOS-Dan, unwilling cheesecake, and time traveler. Like Itsuki and Nagato, she is in this school to monitor Suzumiya. Unfortunately, she is not authorized to carry weapon from her time or the present, nor can she declassify much of what she knows. Furthermore, she is quite submissive, allowing herself to be pressured into any number of embarrassing positions by Suzumiya while rationalizing it as ‘just part of the mission.’”
“In other words,” interpreted Asuka, “a female Shinji.”
“Hey!”
Penn-Penn considered this. “More or less, had Shinji had a normal, healthy childhood. She has nowhere near his level of self-loathing.”
“Hey!”
The penguin shrugged. “If the shoe fits. In any case, there is but one more thing I must make sure of before I can leave you to integrate yourselves into this world.”
“I don’t suppose it involves giant robots?” hazarded Asuka.
Penn-Penn turned to face her. “Not in the least. You weren’t conscious when I explained this to Shinji. You see, this world orginally appeared in other worlds, as a series of light novels and later an anime mini-series.”
Asuka found this surprising, but failed to see the relevance of such a statement. “So?”
“So, the collection of universes we called home were based on similar media.”
“I’m an anime character?” Asuka cried out incredulously. Penn-Penn merely nodded. “No way. Not possible.”
“I thought you’d say something along those lines.” The penguin produced a small paperback. “Flip through this.”
Asuka took the book, eyes widening upon seeing the cover. “That’s me…” She went through the doujinshi, eyes widening further, before quietly closing and shredding the publication. “I think I’d like to go back into that coma now.”
“Not an option, I’m afraid. In any case, you see the problem. If the anime and/or manga which represent our local submultiverse exist in this world, people will recognize you two, and—”
“Expect all sorts of perverted things out of me!” Asuka cried. “Well? What are you waiting for? Schnell! SCHNELL!”
“Asuka, wait!” Shinji grabbed the girl, who had physically lifted Penn-Penn and was on the verge of defenestrating the planeswalker. “People are going to be more likely to notice a penguin browsing manga. Or one getting thrown out of a window.”
“Both true,” noted Penn-Penn, teleporting himself out of the redhead’s clutches. This was followed by an brief, unsettling shift, and an anthropomorphized Penn-Penn stood before the two Children. He was garbed in a black leather jacket over a plain white button-down, dark jeans, Day-Glo orange flip-flops, slick black hair, and the same ridiculous eyebrows. “There. Much better. Be right back.” He vanished in a puff of collapsing air, leaving the two teens with naught but their thoughts and each other.
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(Posted Sat, 24 Nov 2007 05:31)
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