"And our winner is... Shinji Ikari!" announced Urd with a flourish after the wheel stopped on his portrait "Here he comes!"
Drums rang out and a spotlight lit up, centered on the middle of the stage. There was a small explosion and a puff of colored smoke. After it dissipated, Shinji Ikari stood there in his usual white shirt and black pants attire. He blinked in confusion and looked around, obviously wondering where the hell he was...
Applause erupted from the audience. Shinji suddenly realized he was on some TV show stage and blushed of embarassment. Of course, this situation meant only one thing (in his particular logic): It was another nightmare where he would be ridiculed, scorned, mocked, made fun of, put down, etc, etc... "My life is crap..."
Urd, being a goddess, read his thoughts and sighed "Oh boy, this will be a challenge... On the other hand, Shinji here obviously needs some serious and honest love... With all that angst and self-loathing, one girl isn't enough, only a whole harem will do!" Cheers came from the audience, supporting this notion.
"Huh?" Shinji was confused. What was this woman talking about?
Urd walked to the right of the stage where a giant screen was lowered from backstage "But how will we give a harem to young Shinji here? There are many possibilities after all and we, at Match-ups 101, will list them all. Then our lucky contestant can choose how he will get his multiple partner match-up!" More cheers and applause. Shinji was looking for a place to hide, this was so embarassing.
"The first possibility is to give Shinji a romantic 'power-up'. Be it a hentai spellbook, mega-playboy DNA, a spine or something else... Women are sure to come to him and share the greatness that is the improved Shinji Ikari!" The screen lit up and showed a suave and mature Shinji sitting on a comfy chair. Asuka, Rei, Misato, Maya, Ritsuko, Hikari and Mana were at his feet, wearing only lingerie, begging for his attention "Shinji-sama... Shinji-samaaaa..."
The audience went "OOOH..." Whistles, envious catcalls and congratulations could be heard. Shinji was frozen to the spot, his eyes glued on the screen while his brain tried to digest this scenario.
Urd made a gesture and the picture changed "There is also the crossover option. We can send Shinji in another world or dimension where he would meet several girls. Love would follow very quickly but beware! This possibility has its own dangers, observe!"
The screen came alive again. All could see the bloody corpse of Shinji, his neck brocken. In the background, Shinobu Maehara and Mutsumi Otohime had fainted. Kaolla Su was kicking Shinji repeatedly, telling him to wake up because he hadn't finished playing with her. Mitsune was trying to get VERY drunk and succeeding. Motoko was pale, her bloody sword laying on the ground. Lastly there was Naru Narusegawa who only said this: "But I only struck him with enough force to shatter concrete... He should have survived this easily!"
Urd coughed "Eherm...! Of course, we'll try to avoid such dark scenarios!" The self-proclaimed cupid of Love regained her smile "Third possibility! Since Shinji has so much problems relating to humans, perhaps aliens, androids or supernatural beings would be better suited as romantic interests for our little hedgehog!"
The screen flashed with pictures of a smiling Shinji (the Shinji on the stage was surprised, he never knew he could ever appear so happy) posing with various group of girls such as cyber-dolls, goddesses, pokegirls, personacoms, marionettes, darkstalkers, the angels of the EVA world in female form, the Tenchi female crew and so on...
"The fourth option is an all-expense trip through the multiverse! Shinji Ikari the wandering hero, while fighting Evil and saving lives, will surely attract the attention of many girls and women along the way. It is customary in this kind of heroic quest business"
The screen switched to a dashing and heroic-looking Shinji wearing a patchwork of armor and weapons, riding away to find Evil to smite, innocents to protect and all that... Soon after his passage, a horde of screaming women run after him.
"And this concludes our list of ways to make our winner the lucky receiver of a harem's affections!" Urd said, while waiting for the applause to stop. She turned to the still shocked Shinji and asked him "So, Ikari Shinji-kun? What will it be?"
The young EVA pilot, still believing this was a realistic dream who would soon turn into a nightmare, decided to play along while the good stuff lasted "Um... All right... I choose..."
See other episodes by Jamil Nate
(Posted Sat, 29 Nov 2003 22:17)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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