Ritsuko Akagi had a problem.
More precisely, it was several problems rolled into one. It all came down from something she wanted and couldn't ignore or repress any longer.
After last night and all the various dreams and fantasies who had plagued her sleep, denial, personal reservations, working ethic and emotional baggage had crumbled away, leaving her with one certainty.
She wanted Shinji Ikari. She wanted him badly and didn't know what would happen if she couldn't see him ever again. The thought was too horrible to contemplate.
Until yesterday, she had believed she loved Gendo Ikari, Shinji's father. But the boy turned man had showed her that sex could be something else than just the satiation of base lust. Gendo had dragged her down in the darkness and Shinji had been the proverbial light to make her realize that she shouldn't and hadn't to demean herself to attain some twisted form of happiness.
It was ironic that she, a down-to-earth scientist, used such poetic and romantic images to describe what she felt at the moment but there were no kind of words to do it in another way.
It was mostly in part due to Shinji himself and the picture of him she had in her mind.
"Simple, Shinji is a nice boy who listens to what is said to him"
"Have you heard of the Hedgehog's dilemma? They can't get close to each other without hurting themselves. Shinji is the same"
"You're a beautiful woman... I've never thought such a smart and confident woman would have time to be with anyone, let alone me..."
Yes, she knew that Shinji was the kind of boy man that could be described as a genuine 'nice guy'. Frankly, with her surroundings and acquaintances, it was a rarity if not the only case she knew of. Of course, she had seen his file and read Misato's daily reports on his behaviour. She had enough knowledge of psychology to guess why he was that way but in the end, it didn't matter.
Shinji Ikari was pure, good and honest while her relationship with Gendo was tainted with lies, abuse, secrets and...evil? The term was as good as any, she suddenly thought.
Would she dare go to Shinji? Risk soiling him, as damaged goods as she was? What about the risks?
Again, in the end, it didn't matter... Knowing that they were all condemned wether the angels won or NERV prevailed, would it be so wrong to grasp her one chance to know true happiness (or something damn close) in the meantime?
Ritsuko's face hardened with resolve. She started filing the proper forms to request a daily checkup of the Third Child to be performed at NERV medical. The reasons she advanced were:
To assess the physical changes Shinji Ikari had gone through and ensure he did or would not suffer any ill effects.
To give psychological assistance if need be to help him deal with his new status.
Of course, she volunteered for the job, she was the only person with enough qualifications to do both. It was time Maya got more responsibilities regarding the MAGI's operations and maintenance anyway.
Coincidentally, the only room with the proper equipment to do the proposed procedure was not covered by the security systems of the Geofront. After all, it was used for Rei's checkups. The commander didn't want any traces that could indicate the fact that his precious doll wasn't completely human, no matter how little it could be. Once sealed from the inside, no one could enter or listen to what transpired there.
She would have to justify this to the Commander, of course, but she was confident she could pull it off. That also meant continuing her 'relationship' with him to not make him suspicious. She hated that part of the plan but couldn't see any other way. Except perhaps slowly and subtly turning him off her... It was a possibility.
She laughed a little bitterly, remembering how she had accused Misato of putting the moves on Shinji when she had announced she was taking him in. Irony again, she planned to do exactly that while her more rambuctious and morally-loose friend had resisted the temptation.
*But it's worth it... I know it's wrong on so many accounts but it's worth it. HE is worth it* "Soon, Shinji, soon..."
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(Posted Tue, 09 Dec 2003 21:46)
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